Sunday, August 26, 2007

Letting Go...Letting It Go

How do you let it go? How do you let go of the thing that keeps gnawing away at you, feeling wrong and on some level just awful? How do you move forward when the hook of someone or something is buried in your emotional flesh, the pull of that sharp edge ripping deeper into you every time to try to move away from it?

How do you stop feeling the pain of the injury? How do you alleviate the constant pressure of something foreign making a home in you? How do you free yourself from this thing without creating even more injury, without deepening the wound?

Maybe you move back a little, easing the tension, creating some slack. Maybe the constant trying to "move on", "move forward", "get over it" is just moving too fast, and that speed is the very thing that's causing that hook to dig deeper and rip further. Maybe you can't actually move forward safely until you let yourself off the hook...

Uncomfortable Lessons

What I learned from that one was that I needed to say "yes" to stuff that I simply refused to acknowledge as possibilities, fancying myself beyond the world of human beings. I was lost in the world of spirit, certain that the company of invisible angels was enough to ally any loneliness.

And what I'm learning from this one is that I need to say a deeper "yes", not getting stuck at halfway solutions, accepting both the humans and the angels, and that part of me that's both as well.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Standing in Judgment

I don't much care if people like me or not. That's their choice, based on who they are, much more so than who I am. But I cannot stand being judged by others. I cannot stand the look of dismissal, condemnation, rejection or disgust that appears once judgment has been passed and I have been found lacking.

It's not because I'm so sensitive to what others think of me. I'm a bit indifferent to other's opinions in a personal way. But what I cannot bear is the hubris of another human being stepping into the space between me and G*d, inserting themselves with an authority completely of their own making, deciding somehow that they have the right to pronounce judgment on me.

It is the ultimate arrogance to assume that you are separate from humanity yourself, and that that separation confers special powers and privileges on you. I think G*d Himself doesn't judge, but simply lets the laws of action and reaction play out, each of us harvesting the fruits, bitter or sweet, of our own choices and decisions.

Why would G*d judge us? He is love. His role is not to judge, but to purify, transform, salvage, uplift and sustain the grievously injured souls of the world. Like any good emergency room doctor, He isn't standing around trying to decide if the patient is worth saving. He knows the value of human life better than we do, and takes immediate action to help the wounded.

Taking on the role of judge happens when you are so disturbed by your own human weakness that seeing it in others threatens you, and so you need some clear way to separate yourself from others. Thinking that they are wrong or defective, and that you are different or better, makes you feel safe and protected. Needing some insurance that you are not the things you reject is quite understandable. Deciding what you want and need to feel safe is fine.

But harshly and coldly judging the content of another's character to ensure your own safety and security is never fine. Anyone who judges another that way doesn't have the kind of love, concern and generosity in their own heart to truly understand anyone else. Human judgment is destructive on every level. It destroys self esteem, it destroys relationships, it destroys societies, with its haughty assumptions and inherent limitations.

If G*d Himself does ever actually judge us, it is with so much love, so much compassion, such deep desire for healing, that His concern itself feels like a blessing.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Confusing Pleasure and Pain XV

The thing about abuse is that you are always wondering. Every new person who comes into your life makes you wonder, "are you the one?" Are you the one who's going to hurt me? Are you the one who's going to destroy all I've worked so hard to fix? Are you the one who's going to turn everything upside down?

Because no matter how good things are, no matter how wonderful they feel, that question is always lurking, defining all your interactions more than you know. It is a constant companion, this question waiting to be asked.

You watch too much, too carefully, too intensely, trying to answer it without having to ask. Trying to know if this really is ok, but realizing you can't know. That the very nature of intimacy is vulnerability, and it's the one things you can just never know about. Because no one ever does.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Every Minute

Every minute is a choice, a chance to move in a different direction. No matter how little breath is left in your lungs, no matter how heavy the weight on your chest, no matter how strong the churning in your stomach, every minute is a choice. Every minute is a chance.

And no matter what the consequence, it's better to move forward, to move ahead, and make the choice you really want to make, no matter how much fear, terror, dread and emotion you feel. 'Cause you know the choice you want to make. You know the choice you always wanted to make. You just never did. Until now.

Now you are making that choice. And, for as scary as it is, it's also the exact thing you really want. And in that is freedom. In that is truth and reality and liberation.

Confusing Pleasure and Pain XIV

The thing about abuse is that the secrets you carry are toxic sludge. And you have become the vessel for this toxic waste, its corrosive nature eating away at the inside of you, from the inside of you.

And as you lose strength from the Herculean effort of merely surviving, you think that the sickness you feel is coming from you. That you are the source of this disease. But it's the toxins that swirl around inside that have made you sick, and will make you sicker still the longer you hold onto them.

There is no safe way to keep this much disease housed within you. There is no emotional or mental or even spiritual strength that will overcome such sickness when it has made its home in you.

The secrets must be evicted. However that needs to happen, whatever method, you have to free yourself from the sickness, from the secrets, before real healing can begin.