Monday, December 20, 2010
I'm sure I'm not the only person struggling this way, but I take these sorts of things very seriously, and was acutely bothered by the internal discomfort, so much so, that I pushed people far enough away to not feel it. I have only ever fallen in love with men who could never be mine, and then pine over the distance, though in subtle and quiet ways. It is safe and predictable sorrow to love someone from a vast distance, and safe and predictable to make such a choice.
But it occurs to me now, at this somewhat unusually late stage in life for these kinds of revelations, that intimacy isn't some sort of awkward test of worthiness, and that not only am I equally entitled to my share of it, but that I can actually bring something of benefit and value with me. It occurs to me that I might be a great partner to some lucky man if we shared our lives with each other. Perhaps my years of working on and refining my character make me a wonderful match for a spiritually mature man, and him for me.
I have only previously considered this as some sort of fantasy, but from where I sit now, it looks like a very do-able reality. Not all rose petals and romance, but interesting, engaging, juicy real life. And I'm up for it. Which I didn't know before, but I know now, and am delighted to see in myself.
at 11:15:00 PM