Saturday, January 12, 2013

Just F*cking Do It!

The spiritual life invites contemplation and rightly so.  We are so often thought-less in our approach to life that a little introspection is warranted.  And we are so often unsure of how to explore the interior landscape that spending real time and energy around this can be the most worthwhile thing.

But there is a point of diminishing returns, where the introspection is a substitute for action, when the internal realization takes the place of relationship, where the process overwhelms the outcome, and nothing changes so much as we are mired in our own thoughts and feelings.

I don't want to talk about balance here, because it assumes there's a moderate way to approach self-awareness, that we can determine the speed and direction at which we need to unfold.  But sometimes it comes at us hard and fast, and sometimes it's painfully slow, and all this and everything in between is exactly what's required, it is exactly as it must be.

So get in there and muck around and see what's blocking you and holding you back, but don't let it be the excuse for hiding away and missing every opportunity you know you want to say yes to.

It's okay to do it imperfectly, to be yourself imperfectly, and there is no greater liberation than in simply acknowledging the imperfection, to yourself and those that matter around you.

Try it out, try it on, and see how it feels.  Leave aside what diminishes you and embrace what enhances you, and just f*cking do some of what you've been thinking about.  Cause if you're waiting for someone else to make it all okay, you might be waiting a long time.  And moving ahead, while unfamiliar, feels pretty amazing.

There might be discomfort in the unknown, but so what?  Really - it's not more than the discomfort of the known most of the time, and it at least holds within it the possibility of hope and change.

And if it doesn't work out perfectly, if the result is different than what you were hoping or planning or expecting?  Well - then you at least are more interesting and have some good stories to tell.  And you will never be sorry for that.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013


I have shared the biggest secret I had, in a way that was so personal and intimate and something I never expected to happen.

And it's left me feeling disoriented and missing the sense of protection that I gave up to tell the secret.  I have never felt more exposed or vulnerable.

It's not that I want to take it back, to go back to where I was or not tell the secret.  And the recipient of this story could simply not have been more caring or compassionate or loving.  I could not have imagined the support and warmth where I had thought I would be faced with disgust or judgement.

But I have been so used to a certain kind of isolation, a certain kind insulation, a certain kind of security from knowing how firmly in place my limitations were, that I cannot quite get my balance, I cannot quite find my center the same way.

I was centered around something that needed to go, the fear and overwhelm was no friend of mine, but so familiar that there was some comfort in them.

So now I have to find a new center, a new equilibrium that doesn't depend on the tragic heaviness of carrying a burden alone for too long.  And I don't know that it will take long, but I have to honor the process for what it is, and let it unfold in its own time.

But I know I'm not supposed to just keep going it alone.  And I don't know how to do all this just yet, but I am relieved not to be alone.