I have these cravings lately - maybe the way pregnant women do. But these aren't cravings for pickles or ice cream. They just come up suddenly and unexpectedly, seemingly out of nowhere. They are for the things I've denied myself for-ever. They are for all the things that I've been certain don't belong in my life.
I can't remember quite why I've adopted this strictness of discipline - the sort of rigorous emotional straight-jacketing I thought was required of me. I can't remember, but it's become very deep habit. And these cravings erupt, reminding me of what's starving inside, needing to be fed. I've been like an anorexic - feeling intense emotional hunger, and taking some sort of perverse satisfaction in competely denying myself all the things I really need. As if there's some enviable strength in this kind of perversity. As if I have accomplished something meaningful in negating the reality demanding acknowledgement.
But need unmet for this long is destructive. And I'm not nourished by my denial. I'm not rewarded or renewed by my renunciation. I've been giving up the wrong things for so long, and it's all gotten so fuzzy as to why. No wonder there's been so little creativity...that kind of vibrancy and juiciness have no place to take hold in a barren landscape.
Maybe these are cravings like pregrant women get...maybe this is what happens when you're giving birth to a new you.
Who Is Writing This Blog?
- Celeste
- Kansas City, United States
- Why The Lazy Radical? It's always my intention to do something amazing to help change the world, and then an episode of Arrested Development comes on, and I get totally sidetracked! I think I'm like a lot of people, moved by the sorrow and outrage in our world, but it's easy to get sidetracked by the ordinariness of daily life. My place of action, my sphere of influence, is the spiritual. For some it's politics or business. For me, it's always been rooted in the concept that relationship with G*d fills us with spiritual power, and that power is what we can bring into the world to effect change. I've been practicing and teaching meditation for the past 30 years. And what I've learned through all of is that the spiritual journey requires real honesty, the willingness to confront every aspect of the self, and the courage to move forward into change. It's not enough to have good ideas or read good books or listen to good teachers. A spiritual orientation requires the practitioner to show up as fully as possible in every aspect of life, even (or especially) when there's discomfort or uncertainty. Spiritual practice isn't the art of perfection; it's the art of presence.
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