I have a terrible habit of playing this punishing game with those who care about me who I want to care about me. It's a dare of sorts. Oh yeah - you think you're going to care about me? Well, fuck-you. I'm not going to let you care. I'm not going to let you know I care. So there. We'll see who wins this one.
And then I sit back and scrutinize every interaction or lack thereof for clues, trying to figure out what's going on, to see if there's enough caring happening. And if not, I get panicky. And if so, I get panicky. And no matter what, I don't want the game to stop. I don't want you person to get bored or actually stop caring. And I don't know what to do if you care too much.
Because I want there to be caring and connection, but I can't stand the intimacy, and I also can't stand the isolation. Which means there's about a micron-thick space between me and you that feels comfortable, and it's certainly not room enough for us both, so I have to keep picking, keep deciding, me or you. Who am I going to care about today?
It's a bad game. There is never a winner.
And then I sit back and scrutinize every interaction or lack thereof for clues, trying to figure out what's going on, to see if there's enough caring happening. And if not, I get panicky. And if so, I get panicky. And no matter what, I don't want the game to stop. I don't want you person to get bored or actually stop caring. And I don't know what to do if you care too much.
Because I want there to be caring and connection, but I can't stand the intimacy, and I also can't stand the isolation. Which means there's about a micron-thick space between me and you that feels comfortable, and it's certainly not room enough for us both, so I have to keep picking, keep deciding, me or you. Who am I going to care about today?
It's a bad game. There is never a winner.
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