What Happens Now?

I knew when I left Chicago I was leaving behind everything. I just didn't know what that everything actually was. I didn't realize that along with the job, the meditation center and spiritual family, the wonderful friends, the amazing city, the great restaurants, etc., I was also leaving behind my entire identity.

I didn't realize how deeply and completely I had given my life over to the certainty that I was chosen by G*d Himself to help repair this planet, help wounded souls heal, and give comfort in the form of rich, deep and powerful silence. And I worked with others who shared the same certainty, that G*d was working through our hands and hearts and minds. And I'm still certain He was.

But there were other pulls, reminding me daily that for all my aspirations of being an angel, there were other energies screaming for release and expression. And they were interfering mightily with the silence, reminding me of everything I sacrificed to become the angel I tried to be. And it wasn't a joyous sacrifice, but rather an angry sacrifice, mixed with plenty of doubt. Not the sort of stuff that's so easy for even G*d to work with.

And the moment where the doubt and anger overwhelmed the peaceful silence was the beginning of the end of this wonderfully hopeful chapter in my life. It was the end of being sustained by my own hopes and the good wishes of others who saw a greatness in me I wanted to believe in.

The sacrifice was worth it, even in the 20/20 clarity of hindsight. I have experienced and learned so much I could not know otherwise, and have met so many amazing people. And now it's time to do something with all these gifts. I did not leave G*d behind in Chicago, and I know there's still plenty of work needing to be done. I know comfort still often comes in the form of rich, deep and powerful silence, and I know how to offer that well.

I'm living in a world now that values silence a little less, preferring to fill it with words and ideas and discussions. But there's also wonderful laughter and real community and caring that comes along with it. I'm touched deeply at how this community aligns and re-aligns itself again and again to offer support and protection. And I'm amazed and deeply humbled that I've been so warmly included.

I haven't figured out yet what the bridge between these two worlds looks like for me. But I'm working on it with some of the loveliest souls you can imagine, who have themselves somehow managed to remain free of the cynical detachment that threatened to kill my spirit for a long time.

I have so much to learn from them, about how to help and what that means. And I'm deeply grateful for the company.