Tuesday, April 8, 2008


I keep finding the next right direction, and it keeps dissolving into nothingness. And so I think that this is a time to invite, surrender, attract, submit. Trying to impose my will on life, on how I think things should unfold, seems the worst sort of exercise in futility.

When nothing moves forward, then perhaps what is required from me is to wait with the grace of patience. The movement is one of going deeper within, not of pushing forward. At least for now. Until the time and space continuum and I reconcile on our idea of how to move through the temporal.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Heart Surgery

It seems to me now that so much of the energy I've been putting into growth and change has been slightly, and very accidentally, misdirected. Instead of that spiritual power strengthening me, it has been diverted into a vast expanse of space that exists between me and others, reinforcing the walls protecting me and the emotional distance it provides. Behind that wall I've gotten bored and lonely, and the energy is as dead as a fire with no fuel.

That very tiny tear - that small hole in my heart - meant that however much love and energy poured in, the same was always leaking out. A broken heart, literally having a break in your heart, has long lasting consequences, invisible, imperceptible and incapacitating. What should be the vessel for containing the life force, physically, emotionally and spiritually, instead leaks out vital energy, dissipating all the good stuff you need to keep going and feel good about it.

It's healing now. My energy is returning. My confidence is sinking deep down to the center of my being, anchoring the nervous tension that defined me, calming and relaxing all of it.