Saturday, August 11, 2007

Confusing Pleasure and Pain XV

The thing about abuse is that you are always wondering. Every new person who comes into your life makes you wonder, "are you the one?" Are you the one who's going to hurt me? Are you the one who's going to destroy all I've worked so hard to fix? Are you the one who's going to turn everything upside down?

Because no matter how good things are, no matter how wonderful they feel, that question is always lurking, defining all your interactions more than you know. It is a constant companion, this question waiting to be asked.

You watch too much, too carefully, too intensely, trying to answer it without having to ask. Trying to know if this really is ok, but realizing you can't know. That the very nature of intimacy is vulnerability, and it's the one things you can just never know about. Because no one ever does.

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