It's been two years. Two years since Neptune decided to park herself on my Descendant, turning my T-square into an unavoidable Grand Cross. It left me impaled indelicately at the center of it, twisting and turning and finding no relief from Neptune's relentless dissolving. Every structure, every discipline, every firm boundary previously welded into place turned flimsy.
So much has disappeared in that time. So much has come and even more has gone: jobs and roles and living spaces and friends and associates and addresses and phone numbers and the essential meaning I had assigned to my life. I miss some of it, and others of it I am relieved to be free of. But the underlying truth to all of that is that whatever has faded away from my life, or whatever has been yanked out of it, left because that energy couldn't be sustained.
I have no space for complication, confusion or chaos or the accompanying excitement and drama that are their inevitable companions. I don't need the distraction or the hopefulness of illusion.
I have a couple of movies that seem to bookend this experience, one a story of loneliness and loss, and one a story of connectedness and family. And both end with tragic death, which is the essential human reminder to PAY ATTENTION while you still can. They nicely reflect my own journey, my own waking up to how meaning truly gets made.
It seems a great gift to live long enough to realize that truth and wisdom aren't about the answers nearly so much as the questions. I am deeply suspicious of anyone claiming to have the answers. I was that person for too long, and it carries with it the kind of arrogance that instantly separates you from everyone else. I know some answers, and some that are exactly right for me. But all the answers? To all the important questions? That's got to be reflected in the quality of love you have for everyone else in our very crazy, deeply injured family of humanity.
I don't want to read more books or listen to more lectures right now. I don't want to consult more experts. First, before you say a single word, show me your heart, and how well it works. Then I'll know how true your answers are.
Who Is Writing This Blog?
- Celeste
- Kansas City, United States
- Why The Lazy Radical? It's always my intention to do something amazing to help change the world, and then an episode of Arrested Development comes on, and I get totally sidetracked! I think I'm like a lot of people, moved by the sorrow and outrage in our world, but it's easy to get sidetracked by the ordinariness of daily life. My place of action, my sphere of influence, is the spiritual. For some it's politics or business. For me, it's always been rooted in the concept that relationship with G*d fills us with spiritual power, and that power is what we can bring into the world to effect change. I've been practicing and teaching meditation for the past 30 years. And what I've learned through all of is that the spiritual journey requires real honesty, the willingness to confront every aspect of the self, and the courage to move forward into change. It's not enough to have good ideas or read good books or listen to good teachers. A spiritual orientation requires the practitioner to show up as fully as possible in every aspect of life, even (or especially) when there's discomfort or uncertainty. Spiritual practice isn't the art of perfection; it's the art of presence.
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