Sunday, August 8, 2010
There were moments of finding a spark in someone or something that pulled me in, engaged me for at least a short time, making me feel alive and full of possibility. But it never lasted - I had no idea how to sustain it, no idea how to stay engaged.
I like variety and anything that goes on for too terribly long feels tedious, but this isn't about being unable to pay attention or keep my focus. It's about not having my heart fully engaged. I was bored because I was just visiting someone else's playground, someone else's idea of fun or interesting or exciting.
I can see that now. I can see that when I get bored, it's cause I need deeper engagement. I'm not a good spectator. I rarely want to be the person simply sitting and watching, and I know what I need to be engaged.
I need to know that I can make a difference. And not in some abstract, send in your money or serve on a committee kind of way of making a difference. I need to know I can make a difference in a way that changes the energy of a situation, that opens up possibilities that otherwise wouldn't exist, that shows people what otherwise is invisible.
What does it mean to see the invisible? It means I have the gift of insight, or clairvoyance. I can't see what's ahead, and we can all see what's behind, but to see what's within? That was entrusted to me long ago. And I've waffled about what to do with it, hesitating, holding back, waiting for an invitation to join in. But no one else knows what this gift is, let alone how I should be using it.
So of course I've been bored. Of course I've been distracted and uninterested. No one knows what invitation to extend, let alone that I've been waiting for an invitation at all. And lots of people have sensed that I can help, but I've floundered when it comes to bringing what's within out into the world.
I've lived with this, inside out, for this lifetime at least, cultivating the healing power of silence to listen and transform, developing the space between thoughts where originality and creativity emerge. It's my responsibility, to use this, and use it well.
Maybe this second half of life is about inviting myself into the game, sharing the gift where it's needed instead of waiting for someone else having to extend an invitation. Maybe it's about trusting that the gift belongs not just to me, but to anyone it can help, and not being so shy, not simply waiting, but offering it generously and wholeheartedly.
Maybe it's about being willing to remind others that there's a rich, nurturing space within each soul that responds to pure spiritual energy, and I know some useful things about recovering the vibrancy and power that belongs to us - each of us.
'Cause it's the thing I love to do, and otherwise I'm not such good company anyway. It can only be more interesting, more fun, more engaging, and more useful, which is all I've ever wanted.
at 9:17:00 PM