Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Coming Out of the Closet

I think it is time for me to come out of the closet.  I did once before, when I went to college.  I figured I must be gay since I didn't want to get married or have kids or date all the jerky guys I met.  I told my mom, and best friends, and joined groups.  Only trouble?  I'm not gay, so the whole lesbian thing was a total bust.  But at least I had the courage of my convictions, for as long as I had those convictions.

So I think it's time to emerge from the shadows again, and lay claim to what I know is true about myself ~ that I am, as the dictionary defines it, clairvoyant.


1 : the power or faculty of discerning objects not present to the senses
2 : ability to perceive matters beyond the range of ordinary perception

I want to speak from the truest sort of knowing that I can, from the truth of my perception and understanding, and whatever wisdom comes with it.  I want to be honest about what I know and how.  I want to be able to say that what I know and remember and care about is the energy of the soul, and the rest just sort of floats around, sometimes attaching itself to memory, and often not at all, and that it doesn't really matter.

I want to tell about the transformative nature of G*d's love, and how sitting with Him in deep and sweet and powerful silence is better than anything any human being can offer me, though I do also appreciate the company of human beings in their own right.  I want to share the experience of meditation/raja yoga, without having to teach someone else's dogma and disciplines and institutionalized spirituality.

And maybe writing this down, thinking it aloud, will bring it to fruition.  Maybe G*d's been waiting on me to say 'yes'.  He usually does.  He's so patient that way - waiting for me to say yes, waiting for me to notice that He's waiting.  And then He's right there, ready whenever I am.

Sunday, August 8, 2010


I've struggled my whole life with being bored - being bored with whoever and whatever was around me, and feeling that everything seemed so and pointless and meaningless.

There were moments of finding a spark in someone or something that pulled me in, engaged me for at least a short time, making me feel alive and full of possibility.  But it never lasted - I had no idea how to sustain it, no idea how to stay engaged.

I like variety and anything that goes on for too terribly long feels tedious, but this isn't about being unable to pay attention or keep my focus.  It's about not having my heart fully engaged.  I was bored because I was just visiting someone else's playground, someone else's idea of fun or interesting or exciting.

I can see that now.  I can see that when I get bored, it's cause I need deeper engagement.  I'm not a good spectator.  I rarely want to be the person simply sitting and watching, and I know what I need to be engaged.

I need to know that I can make a difference.  And not in some abstract, send in your money or serve on a committee kind of way of making a difference.  I need to know I can make a difference in a way that changes the energy of a situation, that opens up possibilities that otherwise wouldn't exist, that shows people what otherwise is invisible. 

What does it mean to see the invisible?  It means I have the gift of insight, or clairvoyance.  I can't see what's ahead, and we can all see what's behind, but to see what's within?  That was entrusted to me long ago.  And I've waffled about what to do with it, hesitating, holding back, waiting for an invitation to join in.  But no one else knows what this gift is, let alone how I should be using it.

So of course I've been bored.  Of course I've been distracted and uninterested.  No one knows what invitation to extend, let alone that I've been waiting for an invitation at all.  And lots of people have sensed that I can help, but I've floundered when it comes to bringing what's within out into the world.

I've lived with this, inside out, for this lifetime at least, cultivating the healing power of silence to listen and transform, developing the space between thoughts where originality and creativity emerge.  It's my responsibility, to use this, and use it well.

Maybe this second half of life is about inviting myself into the game, sharing the gift where it's needed instead of waiting for someone else having to extend an invitation.  Maybe it's about trusting that the gift belongs not just to me, but to anyone it can help, and not being so shy, not simply waiting, but offering it generously and wholeheartedly.

Maybe it's about being willing to remind others that there's a rich, nurturing space within each soul that responds to pure spiritual energy, and I know some useful things about recovering the vibrancy and power that belongs to us - each of us.

'Cause it's the thing I love to do, and otherwise I'm not such good company anyway.  It can only be more interesting, more fun, more engaging, and more useful, which is all I've ever wanted.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

The Biggest Stress

The biggest stress in Israel, aside from never knowing where or when you will again find bathroom facilities, even though you need to stay HYDRATED, is that everyone tells you to negotiate prices.  Negotiate taxi fares, negotiate goods at the market, never settle for a price if you can get a better one.

But, of course, this is a land I've never been to before, and I have no idea what a fair price is.  How do I negotiate for a taxi ride to a place I've never ridden?  How do I know if 20 NIS is the right price and if the driver should really charge for extra passengers?  How do I know if he's driving out of his way to jack up the price, when I have no idea where we're going to begin with?

Reminds me of all the cautions your friends give you about relationships, all the things to look out for and be aware of even though you have no idea who you're really with just yet or how you feel or where things could possibly go.

It would be great to think that your past experience could guide you, but just like taking a taxi in Israel, all my other cab experiences didn't exactly apply.  When one cab driver told me how to spot a Jewish driver vs. an Arab driver, and to never go with an Arab driver, I thought this is really information I just can't use.  I can't interview cab drivers who stop on a street corner, and I'm not willing to divide the world up this way, especially when I'm already late for where I'm going...wherever that is.

My sister said at one point, her mother-in-law was mistakenly just hailing white cars driving by, not realizing that taxis have the little yellow "taxi" bubble on the top of the car.  When you don't know what you're doing, it's easy to mistake the real thing for what looks like it. 

So, in Israel, I negotiated where I could, where I understood the value of what I was negotiating for, and left the rest for those more experienced.  Everyone is trying to help you avoid being a sucker, being humiliated by your lack of knowledge, being played for a fool.  But sometimes you're just on your own, just having to figure it out as best you can - in Israel, in love, in life.