And then I realized that in what I had considered surrender to G*d, I had also surrendered so much of my self. Not that I had given it to G*d, but simply that I had let it become almost transparent, almost invisible, so that I was a shadow of myself, not the more full and complete vision of who I could become that I had had so long ago.
So I gathered myself up and collected everything I could find, every shadowy grey, every bit of what was left, and began breathing life and color back into me. Like some deflated balloon being filled with air, I have been returning to a dimensional self I'm not sure I have ever been. And it's been very good.
But now - now I find that it isn't just about my life with G*d versus my life without. It's about inviting G*d's presence into this life, not choosing between the two, like some artificial requirement to split the spiritual apart from the rest.
The energetic cord of connection that binds me so deeply to my humanity is the same energetic cord that elevates my very same humanity in spiritual communion with G*d. While you can distinguish the roots from the stem from the leaves in a plant, and they have their own separate function, they are all part of one whole, without which no life whatsoever would be possible.
At the same time I am planting myself more deeply in the rich soil of life, I am reaching up fully to embrace the warmth and light of G*d's presence, and I can see how completely I am nourished by both.