Giving Up the Struggle

I do not know if this is so for everyone, but it seems quite clear to me at this moment, that the thing that has been my greatest fear contains within the key to my greatest liberation.  Not by throwing it off or overcoming it, but simply accepting it.  Just the simple act of acceptance, of giving up the struggle.  We are told of all the ways we must overcome, surpass, dominate, extinguish and otherwise subdue our inner lives.  I'm going with acceptance on this one - sweet, simple and pure.

Medium

I've been watching this show, Long Island Medium, about a woman who connects with spirit.  And because she is able to hear the voices of the dead, they employ her pretty unrelentingly to communicate.  Not because she's some angelic, spiritually enlightened being - but because she can hear them.  All it takes for her to use the gift is to simply accept it.  And the gift is simply that she can hear what others cannot.

When my father died, I felt sure his tortured soul had left the body and left my life and moved on the settling his own complicated karma.  I was glad for an end to the constant chaos that swirled around him, but shocked at the sudden end to our complicated relationship.  Not regrets exactly, but a lot of unfinished business and questions that can never be answered.

I was with a friend, a medium, once, when my father came through.  And she said he was very funny, and said everything was really just an accident, and nothing that happened was intended, and he was sorry.   And, except for him showing up in my dreams, sort of familiar but not someone I really know, I let it go at that.  This unknowable man left surrounded in mystery, just gone suddenly.

But I watch Long Island Medium and I wonder where he is, that poor, confused, lost soul.  What happened when he left us, and to what degree he would like to send a message but no one can hear his voice?  What if someone could hear him, could tell me what he has to say?  Would it change things?  Would it make a difference?  Do the departed really watch over us?  Has he been trying to help, but he couldn't?

I've never believed in my loved ones watching over me, but maybe they all are, keeping me company, silently supporting me, proud and happy at who I am?  How comforting.  For me and for them.

Certainty

I was eager to explore when I was younger, always excited at the horizon rising up to greet me, revealing hidden worlds.

And then I shrouded myself in certainty, content with absolute Truth, comforted that I finally knew and understood, and more than willing to put away whatever didn't conform.  The Truth contained within it intimacy and ecstasy and I knew I needed nothing beyond that.

But more and more as time wore on, the shroud that had been a comfort, felt like a death wrap, like protection between the world and me, but also like the clothing of death.  And in a way it was.  The clothing of spiritual death, of dying alive.

These days, I don't want death, not even symbolic death.  I want life.  Not safe.  Not secure.  Not shrouded.  Not certain.  Not easy.  Not detached.  Not always perfect.  Just life.

Chapter 6

The Tao is called the Great Mother: 

empty yet inexhaustible,
it gives birth to infinite worlds.
It is always present within you.
You can use it any way you want.
(Tao Te Ching, Ch. 6)

I've been trying to reconcile competing philosophies, as one set of truths rings truer to me than another.  But, as Lao Tsu so perfectly stated above, the Truth gives birth to infinite worlds - you can use it any way you want.

So I stick by what makes sense, but keep exploring this other stuff, certain than certainty about the things I'm unfamiliar with is an artificial stance at best, and a dishonest one at worst.

Real Change Takes Time

I left the life of spiritual discipline behind about 5 years ago, feeling like I had escaped the suffocating weight of being trapped in my own good intentions and hopefulness for who I could be, be wasn't. 

And I thought I would fly free to my new life, full of easiness and lightness and good humor and joy and connection.  But really I've just disappeared more and more into myself, uncertain what I'm about, even though I'm more and more clear all the time about what I'm NOT about.

But I'm not free and easy.  I'm not open and connected and engaged.  I'm perched on the periphery of many different worlds simultaneously, looking for a community of similarly spiritually-minded people, and finding that I'm fairly alone, on a bit of a journey without many companions.

I don't know if my own internal isolation leaves me feeling alone, or it comes from so many years and so many habits of building a life around G*d, around ideas and philosophies and disciplines and knowledge that others in my life simply don't share.

Not loneliness exactly - but certainly the sense that I'm in this on my own, and I'll have to figure it out, and I have to go beyond myself and my own limitations to do so.  And that's not easy.

I trust human beings so little, certain that suffering accompanies all connection, and so naturally good at detachment to the point that I don't know what I feel other than that most of the time.

I see deep.  Deeper than most, with some special night-vision of the soul, allowing me to peer deep within.  But seeing deeper, understanding what's at the heart of another, doesn't bring me closer.  Just makes me clearer about why I want to keep my distance.

I have to find a comfortable place in myself, one in which hiding away and self-protection aren't the guiding values.

Real change takes time.

Sacred Text

The ultimate benefit of studying sacred text isn't in knowing the text, but in gaining wisdom and insight into the self. Whatever scripture doesn't offer this isn't sacred text at all.

 

When the Rut Becomes the Road

You know you're stuck deep into habit when it has simply become your personality - who you are.  Deep, deep habit is when the rut BECOMES the road.

Odd That It Took So Long

I was on a particular spiritual path for over 22 years, since I was in college. And there were many gifts on that path, but ultimately I left. And when people ask me why I left after so much time and dedication, after so much effort and commitment, I have finally understood that it was, more than anything else, because I was bored out of my mind. Odd that it took so long to realize.

Technique

As I teach more and more, the question of technique inevitably arises.  What technique should I follow to achieve peace of mind?  What approach should I use to experience a more gentle heart.  What should my practice be?

And I am a bit at a loss, because this isn't about doing something, it's about being something, and I don't know how to tell someone that.  There are countless religions, practices, philosophies, concepts, books, organizations and speakers dedicated to telling people how to do something.

And from what I can see, they mostly draw from the same ancient wisdom we've had access to for thousands of years, and re-package it in the language of the day, communicating truth and understanding as old as the earth with new words and images, trying to convey meaning and connection, giving new form to familiar content.

I don't know about technique.  I've tried so many, being disciplined and obedient, and felt always the hollow shell the technique confining me and stifling me, giving me access to one thing at the expense of every other thing.

I'm not looking for a quick trick to share, a set of steps to follow.  I don't know the technique to being more fully one's truest, deepest, most powerful self, and I'm pretty sure it's a lot bigger than that. Disillusioned practitioners reach the outer limits of the benefits of technique all the time, and then are faulted for failing the technique.

Direction is good.  Awareness and attention are good.  Acceptance and compassion are good.  But they are not magic tricks to master.  They require effort of the most intimate and fearless nature.

For those needing technique, I say go and find the one that suits you best.  There is no shortage of them.  But don't confuse the technique with the real work, don't confuse mastering technique with becoming a master.

Knowing When to Stop

When you get tired of beating your head against a wall, maybe just stop doing that.  Maybe step away from the wall and stop using your head as some kind of weapon. There is no virtue in self-destruction, and doing it in the name of determination, persistence or courage doesn't make it work better.

Missing the Point

By focusing completely on goals, you crowd out the infinite possibility awaiting you, better than any goal, and then wonder why there is so much force, anxiety and tiredness in your efforts.

Over-Focusing

Over-focusing on things of the heart can make us too vulnerable and soft. Over-focusing on things of the mind can make us too sharp and dry. The balance of head and heart creates rich, fertile soil in the soul, a fertile garden where the seeds of change can take root and ultimately bear fruit in our lives.

Grief

When death comes, there is no getting over it or moving on from the people we love, who have danced through the landscape of our souls, shaping and molding us with their love and presence. Maybe all we can do is cherish the best of the memories, and live life in honor of everything good we shared, and continue the legacy of that goodness. And maybe the pain and sorrow don't diminish, but that there's room for joy in the midst of it still, the kind of joy their memory keeps alive.

Curiosity

Curiosity is essential on the spiritual journey. Curiosity can take us further than courage, ambition, determination and will power, and keep us lighthearted in the process. An open heart requires a curious mind.

Resonsibility

When you are responsible for something, but abdicate that responsibility, and then find yourself disappointed by those who did not handle said responsibility well, you must turn to yourself for blame. You cannot criticize them for doing poorly what you should have done well.

Freedom of Choice

You are not actually required to re-act to everything that happens around you. It's just find to do nothing, wait, think about your next step, and maybe even then, still do nothing. Freedom of choice lies in action, not re-action.

Overcoming Fear

When the concerning circumstances all around us pull me toward disappointment and fear, I remind myself that the only way I can make a real difference in the world is by the person I choose to be and the life I create for myself. I remind myself this every second of every date lately, and it always helps.

Spiritual Experience

You don't have a soul; you are a soul. And spirituality isn't a class or an experience; it's day-to-day life shaped by that knowledge.

The Power of Purpose

There is great power in being surrounded by people who share your purpose. It's impossible to do it alone.

Diving Deep

Psychological and mental complexity are not natural states of being. We may have the habit of entertaining the drama that arises from complication, but solutions and transformation happen in the deep, cool waters of a quiet mind. Do you know how to dive deep?