Monday, July 16, 2007

Confusing Pleaseure and Pain: V

The thing about abuse is that it leaves you with a simmering rage, hiding just below the surface of every emotion. It's roiling current threatens to break through whatever calm demeanor or acceptable exterior you've created.

One thing is the barrier you've built to keep others out. The other is the barrier you've created to keep all this stuff inside. It's not easy to contain so much feeling, and so much awful feeling at that. It requires constant vigilance, a never-ending attention to yourself.

How much to reveal and how much to conceal? How much to share and how much to keep? What do you give of yourself and what do you hold onto?

And what to do with the sense of outrage, of injustice, of revenge? What to do with the need to set things right, keep yourself from being the same kind of person, and make sure it never happens again? What to do with the constant feeling of threat, of terror, of misunderstanding?

For how long can that rage be contained? And who or what is going to be the catalyst for finally unlocking it? And what will the consequences of that liberation be?

What happens when a dam finally breaks? Eventual calm waters, but the initial destruction can be devastating.

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