Sunday, January 10, 2010

Illusion and Illusionists

Neptune is still making her stealthy crawl across my chart, dissolving and eroding and revealing.  And I deal with it because there's nothing else to do about it.  I'm just now getting to the point of appreciating that what has dissolved and eroded was like barnacles on a ship's hull - stuff growing and feeding off what's inside, hiding what's beneath and impeding free flowing forward movement.

I can tell when I'm moving in the wrong direction, when things aren't feeling right, and I can even tell what's wrong, but I can't always see why I feel the way I do.  And it hit me today that I've been angry - flat out pissed off - from being disappointed by a situation I thought I had under control.  But it turns out that nothing is like I thought or understood or had tried to secure.

I was expecting good things for myself.  And I was counting on someone else's good nature to make it so.  I didn't realize how deeply I was in over my head with hoping and expecting.  Until 2010 hit, and it's suddenly obvious that none of my hoping, or the plans I built around being hopeful, had any weight in reality.  At least not in any shared reality.

And it's what Neptune has uncovered again and again over the past 4 years.  That hopes and dreams and faith are powerful, but they need grounding in the 3-dimensional time-space continuum  appearing as mutually agreed-upon reality.  And while the good nature of human beings is lovely to behold, it nothing to base your faith on.

If you are lucky, your clear communication is actually clear.  And what you meant is what someone else will understand.  And what they meant is what you will understand.  But since life these days rarely runs so smoothly, Mercury comes along and goes retrograde everyone once in a while to point out the places where the confusion exists, and the meaning has been lost.

And in these 3 blessed weeks of Mercury's apparent backward travel, what has become incredibly, indelibly clear, is that nothing is clear, nothing has been understood, and there is no mutually agreed-upon reality.  There is reality in my mind, in my imagination, and it doesn't resemble a reality that anyone seems even aware of.

I don't have a death wish (as was suggested to me), hoping for a life free from the encumbrances of  pesky humanity.  I have a life wish to have the patience it takes to work with this peculiar species, to understand their use of language and symbols, their grooming habits and social interactions, their office politics and budget priorities.

And I'm sure Neptune will keep dissolving and eroding everything that stands between me and Truth, even if it's the flimsy wall of my own thin skin.

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