Friday, May 27, 2011

The Only Way I Know

I'm an observer.  I watch people and keep an eye on what's happening around me, noticing all sorts of details and nuances and energies floating around, trying to get a handle on what I'm dealing with, knowing that the obvious is often the least interesting thing going on.

It doesn't happen on purpose.  It's just how I take in information, how I understand the world and the people in it.  I'm not suspicious exactly, just not very trusting of what I see on the surface.  And like a dog with an extra sense of smell, I sniff out what's underneath the interaction, the exchanges, the conversations.

And like a dog who will sniff away at something invisible to humans, I see the invisible energy passing through people, between people, within people.  Which sometimes makes it hard for me to pay attention to the obvious stuff - to the words and the stories that are supposed to tell me who someone is.  But I can see it anyway.

I know what I can trust and I know what makes sense or doesn't, and I can see if someone's heart is true or their mind is clear.  And when I can't, I just keep watching, waiting for the way into greater understanding.  It doesn't always come.  And when it doesn't, I know enough to leave things alone, not try too hard, to not push where I don't belong.

Which is why I'm not an easy socializer, someone who just likes to hang out with a bunch of folks, swapping stories and shooting the breeze.  Because there's so much more grabbing my attention, pulling me into the invisible reality that never goes away.  And I don't need distraction from it.  I'm the fascinated scientist wanting to explore and experiment.

I wish it were a little easier for me to just relax around people, but full on is really the only way I know.  I want to be present - fully present - when I'm present.  And then back to myself when I'm not.  To refresh and restore and rebuild and refresh.  So I'm ready for the next time.

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