It doesn't happen on purpose. It's just how I take in information, how I understand the world and the people in it. I'm not suspicious exactly, just not very trusting of what I see on the surface. And like a dog with an extra sense of smell, I sniff out what's underneath the interaction, the exchanges, the conversations.
And like a dog who will sniff away at something invisible to humans, I see the invisible energy passing through people, between people, within people. Which sometimes makes it hard for me to pay attention to the obvious stuff - to the words and the stories that are supposed to tell me who someone is. But I can see it anyway.
I know what I can trust and I know what makes sense or doesn't, and I can see if someone's heart is true or their mind is clear. And when I can't, I just keep watching, waiting for the way into greater understanding. It doesn't always come. And when it doesn't, I know enough to leave things alone, not try too hard, to not push where I don't belong.
Which is why I'm not an easy socializer, someone who just likes to hang out with a bunch of folks, swapping stories and shooting the breeze. Because there's so much more grabbing my attention, pulling me into the invisible reality that never goes away. And I don't need distraction from it. I'm the fascinated scientist wanting to explore and experiment.
I wish it were a little easier for me to just relax around people, but full on is really the only way I know. I want to be present - fully present - when I'm present. And then back to myself when I'm not. To refresh and restore and rebuild and refresh. So I'm ready for the next time.