Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu (Stephen Mitchell translation)
Chapter 38
The Master doesn't try to be powerful;
thus he is truly powerful.
The ordinary man keeps reaching for power;
thus he never has enough.
The Master does nothing;
yet he leaves nothing undone.
The ordinary man is always doing things,
yet many more are left to be done.
The kind man does something,
yet something remains undone.
The just man does something,
and leaves many things to be done.
The moral man does something,
and when no one responds
he rolls up his sleeves and uses force.
When the Tao is lost, there is goodness.
When goodness is lost, there is morality.
When morality is lost, there is ritual.
Ritual is the husk of true faith,
the beginning of chaos.
Therefore the Master concern himself
with the depths and not the surface,
with the fruit and not the flower.
He has no will of his own.
He dwells in reality,
and lets all illusions go.
It is this morality that is the shadow of true goodness, masquerading as righteousness. And it is that corrupted morality that has destroyd so many good people. It's that rightousness that pretends to offer salvation with so many conditions and strings attached. It is a rightousness created by scared people, trying to assure themselves that G*d has certain rules and that they alone will be saved by knowing and following them.
G*d's heart is so much bigger than morality and righteous indignation and whatever else we can imagine to hate each other for.
Wednesday, August 2, 2006
Watching the Ants
Packets of Light
These are little packets of light & you need to plant them early in the year & remember to mark where they were because lots of times they look like weeds in the beginning & it's not until later that you see how beautiful they really are.
~Brian Andreas~
It's easy to miss the good stuff if you don't give it time to grow. Part of the problem with living in such fast-paced times is that you don't get the chance to just sit down and be with yourself, spend time alone with nothing but your thoughts, seeing what's growing and shifting and changing.
There's sound and noise and activity everywhere, and if you remove yourself from that, then everyone wants you to feel bad for not being productive enough. There's not much value in the corporate world for the kind of slow-paced quiet that you really need to keep feeling alive.
I remember when I was a kid. I remember walking home from school and stopping to watch ants. It seemed like I watched them for hours, just moving around in their ant-way, picking up impossibly huge things for ants and carrying them from one place to another. And I drop a stick or a leaf or something in the middle of them to see what they'd do about it, and more than anything I just loved my ant-time...not having to do anything or be anywhere, and I still feel the same way.
I don't stop and watch ants on the sidewalk anymore though, but just letting my mind roam around and stretch its legs and get some fresh air - is still my favorite kind of time. Only now I have to schedule it. I think this is one of the reasons I don't feel lonley hardly ever. I so much enjoy the company of myself when I have a chance to experience it.
These are little packets of light & you need to plant them early in the year & remember to mark where they were because lots of times they look like weeds in the beginning & it's not until later that you see how beautiful they really are.
~Brian Andreas~
It's easy to miss the good stuff if you don't give it time to grow. Part of the problem with living in such fast-paced times is that you don't get the chance to just sit down and be with yourself, spend time alone with nothing but your thoughts, seeing what's growing and shifting and changing.
There's sound and noise and activity everywhere, and if you remove yourself from that, then everyone wants you to feel bad for not being productive enough. There's not much value in the corporate world for the kind of slow-paced quiet that you really need to keep feeling alive.
I remember when I was a kid. I remember walking home from school and stopping to watch ants. It seemed like I watched them for hours, just moving around in their ant-way, picking up impossibly huge things for ants and carrying them from one place to another. And I drop a stick or a leaf or something in the middle of them to see what they'd do about it, and more than anything I just loved my ant-time...not having to do anything or be anywhere, and I still feel the same way.
I don't stop and watch ants on the sidewalk anymore though, but just letting my mind roam around and stretch its legs and get some fresh air - is still my favorite kind of time. Only now I have to schedule it. I think this is one of the reasons I don't feel lonley hardly ever. I so much enjoy the company of myself when I have a chance to experience it.
The Truth About Kitties
Three Blind Mice
I tried for a whole summer to teach our cat to play the piano. We started with an easy song. It was 3 Blind Mice. My dad said it didn't work because the cat had a tin ear, but I think it was because she kept looking around for the blind mice the whole time & never gave it her full attention.
~Brian Andreas~
First, I love kitties. Second, I love the idea that you can teach a cat anything! Now that's funny!
I tried for a whole summer to teach our cat to play the piano. We started with an easy song. It was 3 Blind Mice. My dad said it didn't work because the cat had a tin ear, but I think it was because she kept looking around for the blind mice the whole time & never gave it her full attention.
~Brian Andreas~
First, I love kitties. Second, I love the idea that you can teach a cat anything! Now that's funny!
Stress Reduction
Stress Reducation
I have so much less stress, he said, now that I've given up on ambition.
~Brian Andreas~
Truly, truly, truly. Since the moment I realized that I care most about who I am, and least about outcomes, I have so much more peace. Now I can focus on what really matters - the quality of my character, the nature of my relationships, and what I have to offer to the community of humanity of which I am a charter member.
In every situation, not being concerned about a specific outcome, or thinking I should know what that outcome should be, eliminates the stress of trying to create it, and the stress of trying to convince others that my goal, my vision, my version of the future, is the right one.
And what I have seen, again and again, is that the future has unfolded better than I imagined it. All sorts of things emerge that I wouldn't have thought of, details I left out of my own ambitious notions, subtleties of richness and texture that flesh out reality with so much more beauty than I knew about.
I don't feel I've abaonded ambition so much as opened a way for potential to emerge. An old boss asked me about my 5-year plan. I told her I'd just have to wait and see what G*d and the world needed from me over the next 5 years, 'cause there was no way I could predict that.
Sometimes it's just a great sigh of relief to let the world slide off your shoulders and sink into the truth of who you are. It's in those moments that real possibility - a future and a self greater than any personal amibition - reveals itself to you.
That's why silence and meditation are so good for the soul. Not simply to quiet the mind, but to give the small voice of your perfect potential a chance to be heard...and if you listen well, you're gonna love what you hear.
I have so much less stress, he said, now that I've given up on ambition.
~Brian Andreas~
Truly, truly, truly. Since the moment I realized that I care most about who I am, and least about outcomes, I have so much more peace. Now I can focus on what really matters - the quality of my character, the nature of my relationships, and what I have to offer to the community of humanity of which I am a charter member.
In every situation, not being concerned about a specific outcome, or thinking I should know what that outcome should be, eliminates the stress of trying to create it, and the stress of trying to convince others that my goal, my vision, my version of the future, is the right one.
And what I have seen, again and again, is that the future has unfolded better than I imagined it. All sorts of things emerge that I wouldn't have thought of, details I left out of my own ambitious notions, subtleties of richness and texture that flesh out reality with so much more beauty than I knew about.
I don't feel I've abaonded ambition so much as opened a way for potential to emerge. An old boss asked me about my 5-year plan. I told her I'd just have to wait and see what G*d and the world needed from me over the next 5 years, 'cause there was no way I could predict that.
Sometimes it's just a great sigh of relief to let the world slide off your shoulders and sink into the truth of who you are. It's in those moments that real possibility - a future and a self greater than any personal amibition - reveals itself to you.
That's why silence and meditation are so good for the soul. Not simply to quiet the mind, but to give the small voice of your perfect potential a chance to be heard...and if you listen well, you're gonna love what you hear.
Lost In Traslation
Lost in the Translation
There are some days when no matter what I say it feels like I'm far away in another country & whoever is doing the translating has had far too much to drink
~Brian Andreas~
Sometimes words seem to be the biggest obstacles to communication. If we could just stop talking/writing/explaining ourselves, and stand together with our hearts shining true, we'd know everything we really need to know.
And we'd have so much good will toward each other and the grace to give others the space to heal and grow and change without demanding that they find a way to accomodate us. And then we'd want to find a way to accomodate each other anyway just because it's a lot more fun to do this together than alone.
There are some days when no matter what I say it feels like I'm far away in another country & whoever is doing the translating has had far too much to drink
~Brian Andreas~
Sometimes words seem to be the biggest obstacles to communication. If we could just stop talking/writing/explaining ourselves, and stand together with our hearts shining true, we'd know everything we really need to know.
And we'd have so much good will toward each other and the grace to give others the space to heal and grow and change without demanding that they find a way to accomodate us. And then we'd want to find a way to accomodate each other anyway just because it's a lot more fun to do this together than alone.
Protection
Fragile World
It's a very fragile world, she told us, so walk carefully everywhere you go & we promised to remember for as long as we could.
~Brian Andreas~
There's no end to the fragility of the world in which we live, and the delicate state of our own lives and hearts. Just look around here...all of us, working so hard to build a community and keep it in intact. We've got the purest of intentions, the requisite good wishes for each other, and yet surprises keep intruding on the little piece of paradise we thought we'd crafted. The unexpected appears again and again, and maintiaining even this community is a process fraught with complexity and complication.
Our protection - our only protection - is our own virtue. To what degree do I stay true to myself? Not my stubborn vision of how right I am and how wrong another is, but true to my authentic self. The me that knows that everyone deserves respect, and that sometimes walking away is the right thing, and that winning an argument and losing a relationship is a very bad win indeed.
The authentic me that wants to be recognized for the qualities I have, not for the mistakes I make. The me that is willing to do the work to find something worth liking/respecting in everyone, even if it takes extra time and effort. The me that sees the broken heart hiding in all of us and decides not to add to that pain. The me that sees the burden of sorrow we each carry, and decides not to add to the heaviness.
The me that makes a choice to say a word of encouragement instead of needing to punish someone when they've hurt me. The me that knows that when one of us suffers, we all suffer, and the me that knows that when I can love, then I can be loved.
Our hope, our strength, individually and collectively, is always our virtue. Sometimes it comes from inspiration and faith, but it never happens without making a choice ~ it's never an accident. Gentleness has power and strength contained within it to heal broken hearts, lift heavy burdens, mend torn relationships, sweeten even a bitter soul, and reveal beauty in another. It is a choice, and it's always the right one.
It's a very fragile world, she told us, so walk carefully everywhere you go & we promised to remember for as long as we could.
~Brian Andreas~
There's no end to the fragility of the world in which we live, and the delicate state of our own lives and hearts. Just look around here...all of us, working so hard to build a community and keep it in intact. We've got the purest of intentions, the requisite good wishes for each other, and yet surprises keep intruding on the little piece of paradise we thought we'd crafted. The unexpected appears again and again, and maintiaining even this community is a process fraught with complexity and complication.
Our protection - our only protection - is our own virtue. To what degree do I stay true to myself? Not my stubborn vision of how right I am and how wrong another is, but true to my authentic self. The me that knows that everyone deserves respect, and that sometimes walking away is the right thing, and that winning an argument and losing a relationship is a very bad win indeed.
The authentic me that wants to be recognized for the qualities I have, not for the mistakes I make. The me that is willing to do the work to find something worth liking/respecting in everyone, even if it takes extra time and effort. The me that sees the broken heart hiding in all of us and decides not to add to that pain. The me that sees the burden of sorrow we each carry, and decides not to add to the heaviness.
The me that makes a choice to say a word of encouragement instead of needing to punish someone when they've hurt me. The me that knows that when one of us suffers, we all suffer, and the me that knows that when I can love, then I can be loved.
Our hope, our strength, individually and collectively, is always our virtue. Sometimes it comes from inspiration and faith, but it never happens without making a choice ~ it's never an accident. Gentleness has power and strength contained within it to heal broken hearts, lift heavy burdens, mend torn relationships, sweeten even a bitter soul, and reveal beauty in another. It is a choice, and it's always the right one.
Out to Play
Out to Play
No hurt survives for long without our help, she said & then she kissed me & sent me out to play again for the rest of my life.
~Brian Andreas~
Many hidden things have to emerge before they will leave us. They come up from a secret hiding place deep inside, often dank and dreary and filled with long shadows, and it takes so much energy to keep them hidden.
It's a lovely moment when you can tie your secrets to a balloon and let it lift them out of that dark space into the light of understanding and love and acceptance. Without the shadows, secrets are never as scary. And when they float away, it's hard to believe the amount of space they were taking up in the heart, and how much room there is now for everything else.
And it's so wonderful to find out that you're more than a collection of dark secrets and hidden sorrows. That the urge to love and be generous and give from the very best part of yourself is still alive. It had just been squished in the little space that was left in your heart, squished behind and under the secrets, and now it can breathe again. And there's nothing that feels much more right than that.
To come back to yourself - to come home to the place inside you that's filled with the all goodness you hoped you were capable of, untainted by even your own ulterior motives...this is the moment that pure joy begins to move through your life and leaves a trail of healing in its wake. This is the moment you wake up to who you really are. This is the moment that you understand your own beauty and value and worth, and realize that truly you were meant to be here, who you are, as you are.
And forgiveness tumbles out of you, taking with it the last of the dark shadows and fear, and opening up the possibility for a future you haven't even yet imagined.
No hurt survives for long without our help, she said & then she kissed me & sent me out to play again for the rest of my life.
~Brian Andreas~
Many hidden things have to emerge before they will leave us. They come up from a secret hiding place deep inside, often dank and dreary and filled with long shadows, and it takes so much energy to keep them hidden.
It's a lovely moment when you can tie your secrets to a balloon and let it lift them out of that dark space into the light of understanding and love and acceptance. Without the shadows, secrets are never as scary. And when they float away, it's hard to believe the amount of space they were taking up in the heart, and how much room there is now for everything else.
And it's so wonderful to find out that you're more than a collection of dark secrets and hidden sorrows. That the urge to love and be generous and give from the very best part of yourself is still alive. It had just been squished in the little space that was left in your heart, squished behind and under the secrets, and now it can breathe again. And there's nothing that feels much more right than that.
To come back to yourself - to come home to the place inside you that's filled with the all goodness you hoped you were capable of, untainted by even your own ulterior motives...this is the moment that pure joy begins to move through your life and leaves a trail of healing in its wake. This is the moment you wake up to who you really are. This is the moment that you understand your own beauty and value and worth, and realize that truly you were meant to be here, who you are, as you are.
And forgiveness tumbles out of you, taking with it the last of the dark shadows and fear, and opening up the possibility for a future you haven't even yet imagined.
Hard to Forget
Hard to Forget
I was waiting for such a long time, she said. I thought you forgot. It's hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone.
~Brian Andreas~
Don't ya just know that space in your own heart, and how much it hurts when something happens to remind you how empty it's been? For me, G*d has filled in that space, healed its torn and bleeding edges, and made me fit for human company again.
For the duration of this lifetime, I cannot hand my heart over to another human, preferring instead the safe haven of G*d's love. I'm waiting 'till I've healed more, when I'm better able to fully love, to engage with other human beings in a way where the sorrow doesn't outweigh the joy - the dissapointment and regret don't outweigh satisfaction. Good thing I believe in reincarnation! It's nice to be certain of second chances (and third and fourth and fifth chances!).
I was waiting for such a long time, she said. I thought you forgot. It's hard to forget, I said, when there is such an empty space when you are gone.
~Brian Andreas~
Don't ya just know that space in your own heart, and how much it hurts when something happens to remind you how empty it's been? For me, G*d has filled in that space, healed its torn and bleeding edges, and made me fit for human company again.
For the duration of this lifetime, I cannot hand my heart over to another human, preferring instead the safe haven of G*d's love. I'm waiting 'till I've healed more, when I'm better able to fully love, to engage with other human beings in a way where the sorrow doesn't outweigh the joy - the dissapointment and regret don't outweigh satisfaction. Good thing I believe in reincarnation! It's nice to be certain of second chances (and third and fourth and fifth chances!).
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Greatness Within
I've never particularly had a dream about anything I wanted to do nearly so much as dreams about the person I might become. And it has been my great, great fortune to be surrounded by those who not only see the possibility in me, but are as interested in and committed to finding a way to let that emerge as I am.
To be in the company of those who deal in possibility and potential, who understand the things that are subtle and invisible but as real as the ground we step on...these are the people who allow change, who encourage change, who welcome change. There are 10,000 very good reasons to be afraid. If you ever need a reason not to move forward, not to change, not to try, there are so many good reasons.
But the freedom, the exhilaration, the absolute liberation of doing what's in your heart obliterates all of those things. Fulfilling one's potential isn't about quantifiable outcomes. It's about filling yourself and filling your life with all the qualities in your heart and mind that need expression. It's about being loving, not because you've found someone worthy to love, but because you are full of love and it needs to be shared.
Being the best person you can be doesn't happen when you decide others are worthy of you that way. It happens when you realize you don't want to hold back anymore, and that you simply feel so good being that best person. And then you see how that actually uplifts and elevates everyone around you anyway. That in some way they were waiting for you to step up and be that person, and mirror back to them all the possibility in the world.
Real creativity is required in this. So many old ways of doing and being have failed us miserably. The ways we've expressed ourselves have caused us more sorrow than joy and depleted us instead of strengthened us. So finding a new and meaningful way to be our best requires real thoughfulness, engagement, creativity and attention. It won't just magically happen 'cause I wish it to be so. I am not just suddenly someone new because I whisper some affirmations to myself.
A few things help tremendously. Surrounding yourself with others who are as committed and steadfast in moving forward makes a huge difference. The support and structure this kind of friendship provides cannot be overestimated. And making room for the pure transformative love of G*d heals the heart and soul. When the deep wounds start to heal, when the broken heart starts to mend, then potential has a safe home inside the self.
I don't think this kind of change can happen in a vacuum. I tried that for a long time, but the energy required is immense and almost impossible to sustain alone. And even connection with G*d, while the root of all of it, isn't enough. Because relationship is the place where all this plays out...at least in my life. And I need the help and good wishes of others. When relationships are good, they are the greatest joy in life. So I'm keeping the company of those who recognize the greatness within, in themselves and in me, and I'm better for it.
To be in the company of those who deal in possibility and potential, who understand the things that are subtle and invisible but as real as the ground we step on...these are the people who allow change, who encourage change, who welcome change. There are 10,000 very good reasons to be afraid. If you ever need a reason not to move forward, not to change, not to try, there are so many good reasons.
But the freedom, the exhilaration, the absolute liberation of doing what's in your heart obliterates all of those things. Fulfilling one's potential isn't about quantifiable outcomes. It's about filling yourself and filling your life with all the qualities in your heart and mind that need expression. It's about being loving, not because you've found someone worthy to love, but because you are full of love and it needs to be shared.
Being the best person you can be doesn't happen when you decide others are worthy of you that way. It happens when you realize you don't want to hold back anymore, and that you simply feel so good being that best person. And then you see how that actually uplifts and elevates everyone around you anyway. That in some way they were waiting for you to step up and be that person, and mirror back to them all the possibility in the world.
Real creativity is required in this. So many old ways of doing and being have failed us miserably. The ways we've expressed ourselves have caused us more sorrow than joy and depleted us instead of strengthened us. So finding a new and meaningful way to be our best requires real thoughfulness, engagement, creativity and attention. It won't just magically happen 'cause I wish it to be so. I am not just suddenly someone new because I whisper some affirmations to myself.
A few things help tremendously. Surrounding yourself with others who are as committed and steadfast in moving forward makes a huge difference. The support and structure this kind of friendship provides cannot be overestimated. And making room for the pure transformative love of G*d heals the heart and soul. When the deep wounds start to heal, when the broken heart starts to mend, then potential has a safe home inside the self.
I don't think this kind of change can happen in a vacuum. I tried that for a long time, but the energy required is immense and almost impossible to sustain alone. And even connection with G*d, while the root of all of it, isn't enough. Because relationship is the place where all this plays out...at least in my life. And I need the help and good wishes of others. When relationships are good, they are the greatest joy in life. So I'm keeping the company of those who recognize the greatness within, in themselves and in me, and I'm better for it.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
The Power of Presence
I live in a major metropolitan area, and on my walk to work every day, I run across more homeless folks than you might imagine would inhabit these few blocks. My neighborhood is an area that is full of rush-hour commuters, so the homeless tend to drift this way, knowing that there are many sympathetic suburbanites commuting into the city who cannot resist the sad faces and outstretched hands. A woman I work with was wracked with guilt about passing the homeless by without giving them anything, but she didn't want to give money. She decided granola bars were a good answer. She felt she was giving them something they really needed, but could not be mis-used. She keeps granola bars in her purse now all the time.
Being confronted with the unresolvable sorrow of humanity in very small and very personal ways on a daily basis requires one to do some soul searching. Do I ignore these people? Do I acknowledge them? If so, in what way? Can I help? Can I help in a way that doesn't further the sorrow? Can I make a real difference? Can I change the world so that the problem isn't a problem any more? Is it my problem?
I don't know anyone who doesn't have to give these questions some thought. I never give money; to me money is a resource, and I bear the responsibility if it's misused. So, sometimes I give someone food. But mostly I try to offer what I try to offer anyone...the recognition and acknowledgement of their essential dignity and humanity.
I try not to ignore and look away. There is a man outside Walgreens on the corner of Adams and Wells every day, and I always give him a smile and a cheery good morning. It happened by accident when our eyes first met, and he seemed shocked that I didn't look away, but it was all I could offer. A sincere hello. Another human being admitting that he exists and walks fully among us. That he's not invisible. That we live in different worlds, but are part of this same human family.
I was crossing the street one day, and there was a frail old woman clinging to a lampost. She was obviously distressed and confused, and no one seemed to notice including the traffic cop. I slowed down, and she turned and asked me if I would help her across the streeet. To which I did. She took my arm, hobbled across the street slowly, and when we reached the next corner she let go and walked off, balancing herself against a building. She didn't say a word to me, but I thought how lucky I was to be someone whose simple presence could make a difference.
And that experience has stayed with me and crosses my mind every time I see these folks on the street. Some are scary, some sad, some smelly, some desperate, some dishonest in their begging, some hopeless. I think about my response to them frequently, and can only be someone who stays present ~ who doesn't need to disappear into political rhetoric or economic philosophies about what creates such need, but recognizes another soul sharing this planet with me.
Being confronted with the unresolvable sorrow of humanity in very small and very personal ways on a daily basis requires one to do some soul searching. Do I ignore these people? Do I acknowledge them? If so, in what way? Can I help? Can I help in a way that doesn't further the sorrow? Can I make a real difference? Can I change the world so that the problem isn't a problem any more? Is it my problem?
I don't know anyone who doesn't have to give these questions some thought. I never give money; to me money is a resource, and I bear the responsibility if it's misused. So, sometimes I give someone food. But mostly I try to offer what I try to offer anyone...the recognition and acknowledgement of their essential dignity and humanity.
I try not to ignore and look away. There is a man outside Walgreens on the corner of Adams and Wells every day, and I always give him a smile and a cheery good morning. It happened by accident when our eyes first met, and he seemed shocked that I didn't look away, but it was all I could offer. A sincere hello. Another human being admitting that he exists and walks fully among us. That he's not invisible. That we live in different worlds, but are part of this same human family.
I was crossing the street one day, and there was a frail old woman clinging to a lampost. She was obviously distressed and confused, and no one seemed to notice including the traffic cop. I slowed down, and she turned and asked me if I would help her across the streeet. To which I did. She took my arm, hobbled across the street slowly, and when we reached the next corner she let go and walked off, balancing herself against a building. She didn't say a word to me, but I thought how lucky I was to be someone whose simple presence could make a difference.
And that experience has stayed with me and crosses my mind every time I see these folks on the street. Some are scary, some sad, some smelly, some desperate, some dishonest in their begging, some hopeless. I think about my response to them frequently, and can only be someone who stays present ~ who doesn't need to disappear into political rhetoric or economic philosophies about what creates such need, but recognizes another soul sharing this planet with me.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Gratitude
Lester Burnham: I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday.
American Beauty (1999)
The minute I try to hold onto anything, it takes up residence inside me. On one hand it creates a certain kind of fullness, but on the other hand, it creates a certain kind of heaviness. I think I'm needing to stay light and flexible, not giving anything a permanent home inside me but lightness itself.
American Beauty (1999)
The minute I try to hold onto anything, it takes up residence inside me. On one hand it creates a certain kind of fullness, but on the other hand, it creates a certain kind of heaviness. I think I'm needing to stay light and flexible, not giving anything a permanent home inside me but lightness itself.
Jenga
There are some things so deeply buried within that simply acknowledging their presence is shocking, especially when it's someone else doing the noticing. Do you know the game Jenga? Basically you have little wooden blocks that different players stack one upon the next, trying to build the tower higher and higher without it toppling. In the game of life, much like Jenga, one well-asked question can topple years of structures built upon a persepctive that you convinced yourself was one thing, but seen through the eyes of another becomes something else entirely.
Some of the blocks I've built upon have come tumbling down recently, and I don't know how to re-build any of that. They've fallen with a simple word, a well-placed pause, a loving question, a sincere concern. Whatever was there isn't necessary any more anyway. I don't yet quite know how to talk about my experiences. I don't know how to speak my way out of the places I've been stuck, although maybe for the first time it's not just reluctance or fear on my part. Maybe that feeling that my breath has been pulled from my lungs and my eyes fill with tears and I can hardly speak - maybe it's fear. But maybe also it's relief. Maybe also it's life flowing back into me. Maybe it's all of this and more.
But one thing I do know for certain - it's good not to be alone in this. And I'm not saying 'no' this time, to any of it.
Getting Caught
I've never worried about getting older, he said. I've been too busy worrying about getting caught.
~ Brian Andreas ~
On some level, for all my independence, I always wonder if I'm just moments away from getting caught. I don't know what it is that I'm getting away with, or what it is that I'll get caught doing, but it's always there, at least a little bit.
I've stood apart from and against so much, defining myself in many ways by what I'm not (although I'm no obvious rebel). It's time to start identifying with what I am more. I want to move to transparency. It's a great idea, that nothing is hidden, that total honesty is possible, that opennes is not a threat to me or anyone else. And I'm so much closer to that than I've been.
I've been the most opaque of individuals on some levels, even to myself. From a distance perhaps I've been crisp and clear, but get closer and lines blur and everything gets a little fuzzy, and what you thought you'd find turns out to be a bit different. Which I'm quite comfortable with. But maybe it's time to try some transparency. The little I've experiemented with so far is marvelous, but I don't know if that's really me making it so.
Could just be the generosity and cleanliness and openness of someone else making it that way for me. And transparency is a huge relief. I had no idea how much I constantly conceal, until I stopped doing it, even just for hours or moments at a time. And I'm so grateful to have discovered this - to have a place and space to try it out. At the moment, I can think of few gifts greater than this that has been offered me.And it's worth investigating further for sure.
There is a seismic change occuring, so I don't think this is a time for securing permanent solutions. It's more a time for learning to surf - learning to catch every wave that comes, ride it for what's it's worth, and be ready for the next one. For a surfer, every storm, no matter how big, is just another opportunity.
~ Brian Andreas ~
On some level, for all my independence, I always wonder if I'm just moments away from getting caught. I don't know what it is that I'm getting away with, or what it is that I'll get caught doing, but it's always there, at least a little bit.
I've stood apart from and against so much, defining myself in many ways by what I'm not (although I'm no obvious rebel). It's time to start identifying with what I am more. I want to move to transparency. It's a great idea, that nothing is hidden, that total honesty is possible, that opennes is not a threat to me or anyone else. And I'm so much closer to that than I've been.
I've been the most opaque of individuals on some levels, even to myself. From a distance perhaps I've been crisp and clear, but get closer and lines blur and everything gets a little fuzzy, and what you thought you'd find turns out to be a bit different. Which I'm quite comfortable with. But maybe it's time to try some transparency. The little I've experiemented with so far is marvelous, but I don't know if that's really me making it so.
Could just be the generosity and cleanliness and openness of someone else making it that way for me. And transparency is a huge relief. I had no idea how much I constantly conceal, until I stopped doing it, even just for hours or moments at a time. And I'm so grateful to have discovered this - to have a place and space to try it out. At the moment, I can think of few gifts greater than this that has been offered me.And it's worth investigating further for sure.
There is a seismic change occuring, so I don't think this is a time for securing permanent solutions. It's more a time for learning to surf - learning to catch every wave that comes, ride it for what's it's worth, and be ready for the next one. For a surfer, every storm, no matter how big, is just another opportunity.
Free Your Mind
Morpheus: I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.
The Matrix (1999)
I chafe at having to become a "role". I don't really like titles or particular expectations of folks needing me to be/do certain things. I'm more stubborn than is obvious on the surface of things, and have an amazing capacity for digging in my heels and becoming completely unmovable. I don't say this with pride or as a challenge - just an observation about myself. I have walked away from more opportunities than many people ever get in the name of freedom.
Every time I've tried to assume a particlar role, in any part of my life, I've felt stifled and suffocated and resentful and just all twisted up, trying to figure out how to get out of what I've agreed to. I think this is part of the reason wife and mother and all those other titles could never work for me. I cannot bear the weight of what those mean.
I am amazed at who I can be when I have no opposition against which to set myself. In the company of those who are curious and open and adventurous, so much of my own stubborness disappears. Instead, there is enthusiasm and spontaneity and a great sense of fun.
I'm not going back to boxes, trying to make myself fit somewhere by cutting off or cutting out elements of myself to suit another, or even my own sense of who I should be. This life is very short, and no one with whom I want to associate will ask me to do that. With a Taurus Moon, every bit of discomfort I experience plays itself out in my body. I refuse to impose that violence on myself anymore.
The Matrix (1999)
I chafe at having to become a "role". I don't really like titles or particular expectations of folks needing me to be/do certain things. I'm more stubborn than is obvious on the surface of things, and have an amazing capacity for digging in my heels and becoming completely unmovable. I don't say this with pride or as a challenge - just an observation about myself. I have walked away from more opportunities than many people ever get in the name of freedom.
Every time I've tried to assume a particlar role, in any part of my life, I've felt stifled and suffocated and resentful and just all twisted up, trying to figure out how to get out of what I've agreed to. I think this is part of the reason wife and mother and all those other titles could never work for me. I cannot bear the weight of what those mean.
I am amazed at who I can be when I have no opposition against which to set myself. In the company of those who are curious and open and adventurous, so much of my own stubborness disappears. Instead, there is enthusiasm and spontaneity and a great sense of fun.
I'm not going back to boxes, trying to make myself fit somewhere by cutting off or cutting out elements of myself to suit another, or even my own sense of who I should be. This life is very short, and no one with whom I want to associate will ask me to do that. With a Taurus Moon, every bit of discomfort I experience plays itself out in my body. I refuse to impose that violence on myself anymore.
Simplicity
Act without doing;
work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few as many.
Confront the difficult
while it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.
The Master never reaches for the great;
thus she achieves greatness.
When she runs into a difficulty,
she stops and gives herself to it.
She doesn't cling to her own comfort;
thus problems are no problem for her.
Tao Te Ching (Chapter 63; Stephen Mitchetll Translation)
I like to remind myself of simplicity whenever I can. Whenever I'm tempted to step in the middle of confusion or uncertainty, I like to remind myself of the clarity of simplicity. Start small, where I am, where I can, and move forward simply, easily, with my whole heart.
I don't have to know the outcome of every journey before I start - that just makes the journey another task I have to accomplish, and hardens my heart into brittleness 'cause I get too certain of things that probably aren't true or right or useful.
I much prefer the ease of moving like a river along its banks, re-adjusting, altering the course along the way, speeding up and slowing down, but staying true to the forward movement of this journey.
work without effort.
Think of the small as large
and the few as many.
Confront the difficult
while it is still easy;
accomplish the great task
by a series of small acts.
The Master never reaches for the great;
thus she achieves greatness.
When she runs into a difficulty,
she stops and gives herself to it.
She doesn't cling to her own comfort;
thus problems are no problem for her.
Tao Te Ching (Chapter 63; Stephen Mitchetll Translation)
I like to remind myself of simplicity whenever I can. Whenever I'm tempted to step in the middle of confusion or uncertainty, I like to remind myself of the clarity of simplicity. Start small, where I am, where I can, and move forward simply, easily, with my whole heart.
I don't have to know the outcome of every journey before I start - that just makes the journey another task I have to accomplish, and hardens my heart into brittleness 'cause I get too certain of things that probably aren't true or right or useful.
I much prefer the ease of moving like a river along its banks, re-adjusting, altering the course along the way, speeding up and slowing down, but staying true to the forward movement of this journey.
Belief
I don't believe in G*d any more than I 'believe' in gravity or cats or traffic lights. There are things I know because of the reality of them in my life, and that is the case here. This relationship I have with G*d doesn't require belief and I don't know that it even requires faith, but it absolutely requires experience.
I don't need religion or dogma or scriptures or clergy to feel the the depth of this love I've barely begun to touch, or to see how it transforms me.
I don't need religion or dogma or scriptures or clergy to feel the the depth of this love I've barely begun to touch, or to see how it transforms me.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
Petrified
There has quite literally been a knot of pain residing deep within my body, reflecting pain that exists on other levels of spirit and emotion. And it has contained within it the petrified remains of being petrified. It's amazing how accurate a reflection of spirit the body can be. That knot has been a protection and a barrier, entombing in itself a destructive force that had no resolution and no outlet.
But the knot is unraveling. The waters of love have washed over it time and again, softening all the individual strands that make up this big knot. They are softening and separating; it is breaking up into easily digested and discarded pieces. The need it served is disappearing quickly, although it's taken a long, long time to arrive at this moment. I can feel the strands separating and dissapating, and I can feel each bit of that old pain as it leaves. I can feel it physically and emotionally and spiritually. But I know this is a good-bye, and so I have more patience with it.
And the only thing that seems to be taking its place is a kind of quiet contentment making way for joy.
But the knot is unraveling. The waters of love have washed over it time and again, softening all the individual strands that make up this big knot. They are softening and separating; it is breaking up into easily digested and discarded pieces. The need it served is disappearing quickly, although it's taken a long, long time to arrive at this moment. I can feel the strands separating and dissapating, and I can feel each bit of that old pain as it leaves. I can feel it physically and emotionally and spiritually. But I know this is a good-bye, and so I have more patience with it.
And the only thing that seems to be taking its place is a kind of quiet contentment making way for joy.
Friday, July 14, 2006
Addiction
I'm not any kind of expert at dealing with addiction. But I think changing habits must be a similar thing, when there's some kind of addiction of the mind ~ of the heart. When a habit is so deeply ingrained that you can hardly remember yourself as separate from it, transformation requires that level of attention.
I'm thinking it requires staying absolutely present with yourself. Keeing constant company with your own thoughts so that they don't drag back into old habit - staying awake and alert to every nuance of what's happening, to see triggers and patterns. Exhausting and consuming work really, but a requirement for laying the foundation of something new. And it requires attention to detail on a miniscule level.
In Boston, the major highway system was replaced by tunnels that run under the Boston Bay Harbor. This project was called the Big Dig, and began in 1991, and was just completed a couple of years ago. The new tunnel system has been beset by problems ranging from inferior grade cement to actual leaks in the tunnel. Sadly, the other day, a tie back holding huge concrete slabs broke, and a woman was killed in her car in the tunnel. The level of bad work gets scarier and scarier to Bostonians who ride these tunnels everyday and depend on them. This death is being treated as a crime.
I mention this just to say that when the care and quality of work at the foundation is ignored, everything built on it is compromised. So in trying to change a habit - overcome a mental addiction of sorts - nothing can be ignored, overlooked or disregarded. Attention must be paid to every detail to ensure that the result will be congruent with the foundation, with the intention, with the destination.
There are no big leaps with this kind of change. The progress moves forward in teeny tiny increments, leaving one small thing behind as the head and heart and hands grasp onto something new. Grand proclamations of change are meaningless against the backdrop of ordinary life, where the tests emerge again and again. And the tests are not designed so that you fail. They are just there to show you where more work is needed, where there is skill and strength, and where additional effort is required.
And if you're serious about this change, then you welcome the tests and every bit if understanding they illuminate for you. Because you're not doing this to prove something to someone else. You're really learning about the self and a certain kind of mastery that requires absolute truth and awareness.
I'm thinking it requires staying absolutely present with yourself. Keeing constant company with your own thoughts so that they don't drag back into old habit - staying awake and alert to every nuance of what's happening, to see triggers and patterns. Exhausting and consuming work really, but a requirement for laying the foundation of something new. And it requires attention to detail on a miniscule level.
In Boston, the major highway system was replaced by tunnels that run under the Boston Bay Harbor. This project was called the Big Dig, and began in 1991, and was just completed a couple of years ago. The new tunnel system has been beset by problems ranging from inferior grade cement to actual leaks in the tunnel. Sadly, the other day, a tie back holding huge concrete slabs broke, and a woman was killed in her car in the tunnel. The level of bad work gets scarier and scarier to Bostonians who ride these tunnels everyday and depend on them. This death is being treated as a crime.
I mention this just to say that when the care and quality of work at the foundation is ignored, everything built on it is compromised. So in trying to change a habit - overcome a mental addiction of sorts - nothing can be ignored, overlooked or disregarded. Attention must be paid to every detail to ensure that the result will be congruent with the foundation, with the intention, with the destination.
There are no big leaps with this kind of change. The progress moves forward in teeny tiny increments, leaving one small thing behind as the head and heart and hands grasp onto something new. Grand proclamations of change are meaningless against the backdrop of ordinary life, where the tests emerge again and again. And the tests are not designed so that you fail. They are just there to show you where more work is needed, where there is skill and strength, and where additional effort is required.
And if you're serious about this change, then you welcome the tests and every bit if understanding they illuminate for you. Because you're not doing this to prove something to someone else. You're really learning about the self and a certain kind of mastery that requires absolute truth and awareness.
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