Monday, July 17, 2006

Free Your Mind

Morpheus: I'm trying to free your mind, Neo. But I can only show you the door. You're the one that has to walk through it.

The Matrix (1999)

I chafe at having to become a "role". I don't really like titles or particular expectations of folks needing me to be/do certain things. I'm more stubborn than is obvious on the surface of things, and have an amazing capacity for digging in my heels and becoming completely unmovable. I don't say this with pride or as a challenge - just an observation about myself. I have walked away from more opportunities than many people ever get in the name of freedom.

Every time I've tried to assume a particlar role, in any part of my life, I've felt stifled and suffocated and resentful and just all twisted up, trying to figure out how to get out of what I've agreed to. I think this is part of the reason wife and mother and all those other titles could never work for me. I cannot bear the weight of what those mean.

I am amazed at who I can be when I have no opposition against which to set myself. In the company of those who are curious and open and adventurous, so much of my own stubborness disappears. Instead, there is enthusiasm and spontaneity and a great sense of fun.

I'm not going back to boxes, trying to make myself fit somewhere by cutting off or cutting out elements of myself to suit another, or even my own sense of who I should be. This life is very short, and no one with whom I want to associate will ask me to do that. With a Taurus Moon, every bit of discomfort I experience plays itself out in my body. I refuse to impose that violence on myself anymore.

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