Monday, July 17, 2006

Getting Caught

I've never worried about getting older, he said. I've been too busy worrying about getting caught.

~ Brian Andreas ~

On some level, for all my independence, I always wonder if I'm just moments away from getting caught. I don't know what it is that I'm getting away with, or what it is that I'll get caught doing, but it's always there, at least a little bit.

I've stood apart from and against so much, defining myself in many ways by what I'm not (although I'm no obvious rebel). It's time to start identifying with what I am more. I want to move to transparency. It's a great idea, that nothing is hidden, that total honesty is possible, that opennes is not a threat to me or anyone else. And I'm so much closer to that than I've been.

I've been the most opaque of individuals on some levels, even to myself. From a distance perhaps I've been crisp and clear, but get closer and lines blur and everything gets a little fuzzy, and what you thought you'd find turns out to be a bit different. Which I'm quite comfortable with. But maybe it's time to try some transparency. The little I've experiemented with so far is marvelous, but I don't know if that's really me making it so.

Could just be the generosity and cleanliness and openness of someone else making it that way for me. And transparency is a huge relief. I had no idea how much I constantly conceal, until I stopped doing it, even just for hours or moments at a time. And I'm so grateful to have discovered this - to have a place and space to try it out. At the moment, I can think of few gifts greater than this that has been offered me.And it's worth investigating further for sure.

There is a seismic change occuring, so I don't think this is a time for securing permanent solutions. It's more a time for learning to surf - learning to catch every wave that comes, ride it for what's it's worth, and be ready for the next one. For a surfer, every storm, no matter how big, is just another opportunity.

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