Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Choosing Truth Over Convenience

The time between 4-5am is absolutely magical for clear, inspired thinking and conversation with G*d. I know of no other time where my mind is more able to absorb understanding and virtue, and where things needing to leave depart so quickly. And so it was this morning as well.

I was mulling over some confusion, turning it this way and that, trying to see it in a new light. It has pervaded my thoughts, and yet felt so foreign, but I couldn’t shake it. And this morning, while sitting in a quite reverie, an understanding of what this was hit me so hard that I said “Oh my G*d” out loud to myself, startling the cat who expects the usual silence of our early morning meditation. It just suddenly hit me so hard what was going on.

And what has been going on is that certain habits and patterns that I inherited years ago ~ maybe from even before I was born ~ are mindlessly playing themselves out in my life. It’s as if I picked up the script to someone else’s story, and assigned certain roles to myself and others of a very old drama, and I’ve been saying the lines and playing the part, only vaguely aware that this isn’t my story.

But it’s not my story, not even a little. I don’t want to keep breathing life into this tired old story ~ this story of sadness and suspicion and need that I didn’t write, don’t enjoy, and am not well suited to play. It is antithetical to my own nature in every way really, so I’m taking off that costume, putting down the script, and walking off the stage.

This morning all that was startlingly clear suddenly, and now I wonder why it took so long to notice something so obvious. But maybe it had to feel so wrong, so awkward and so uncomfortable before I could be certain that I don’t want this old energy inhabiting my present life.

You ever done that? Awoken to an understanding so suddenly and clearly that it utterly and absolutely alters your perspective, spinning you around 180 degrees? This is happening a lot for me right now, and I love it. I love embracing what is true over what is convenient, what is real over what is easy, what is authentic over what is acceptable.

I wonder how much else is still at work in my life on that level. I suspect not so much, after months now of sorting through what’s been hidden in the basement and the attic of my mind, but it bears watching. Because very soon, my energy and focus will be moving out from this very internal level of concern and toward more creative expression, and I want to make sure whatever’s left truly belongs with me.

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