Sunday, February 18, 2007

Getting Started (Over)

What a long, slow unfolding this last year has been. It started with my heart feeling ripped open at the first viewing of Brokeback Mountain. It's a movie, I know, but it sped along some tear that had already been threatening the fabric of my life, turning a little tear into a rip, and then into the absolute shredding of the fibers that had barely been holding together an unsupportable attempt at a certain kind of reality.

Too many conditionals in that kind of living for sure. I have been surrounded by a fantasy of some kind of thinking that kept me comfortably numb, to paraphrase Pink Floyd, safely surrounded by a bubble that cushioned me from the harshness of a world I couldn't bear. For most of my life, I have been unencumbered by much feeling or memory or too much connection with any of the reality around me, instead directing all my creative energy into the invisible, the subtle, and the spiritual. But I don't want to live in my fantasy world, no matter how perfect, anymore.

So now it's time to get to fast work building a bridge between the perfection of that fantasy, where there is love and peace and pure joy, and the real world, where we are imperfect and broken and wondering. But I think this is the exact work I was cut out for - bridge building and translating, so I'm actually quite excited at this prospect.

An old astrologer friend, the first person to ever actually read my chart, told me I had the chart of a translator - someone who could make the invisible visible, the unknown knowable, the complex simple. A lot of times it's not about having the right answers nearly so much as it is about being unafraid to ask questions.

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