Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Cloud Burst

There is some deep sorrow hidden away still inside, underneath and below and mostly invisible except in the way that it still informs my thinking and feeling and decisions. It's a shadow, a dark cloud threatening to burst at any moment. And I spend a lot of time trying to avoid that. So much I don't say, so much I don't talk about, so much no one ever hears 'cause I'm trying to avoid that. But I have to own it, embrace it, hold it close to me and stop keeping it at a far reach.

I don't have to be better. I don't have to be different. I don't have to change. I don't have to prove myself to anyone. I can stay right where I am for just as long as I want and need. I can move forward or backward or not move at all, and all of those are just fine. I can choose to do whatever I want or not make any choices at all.

The force I keep using against myself, no matter how well intentioned, is hurting me. It's undermining my physical, emotional, spiritual and mental well-being, and there is just no one or nothing that makes pushing so hard worth doing.

I don't need to move ahead. I can. I might. It's absolutely up to me. But this is my story, being written second-by-second, and no one's good intentions or hopes or wishes is more important than my own sense of things, my own timing, my own rhythm, my own narrative.

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