Friday, October 27, 2006

Godzilla vs. Mothra

The greatest battle between any two monsters is the battle of Godzilla vs. Mothra. If you don't know about this, then rent the DVD. They are fearsome and ridiculous monsters. Their battle is epic, and the story is classic.

The monster in my own life has been so much less obvious - invisible really. The biggest monster has been fear. That fear sits out there all by itself, terrified of being abandoned and left completely alone, holding on by the merest hint of a thread, grasping onto any handle it can find. It has had a life of its own, nourished by reality and fantasy and mistakes and confusion, and it has sucked the life out of so much that it has touched. And like any monster, even though it's invisible, its presence has been essentially destructive.

It has tried to protect me in its own horribly misguided and way too complicated way, getting in the middle of the most precious and intimate experiences and relationships, and pulling me away from my self-respect and natural dignity. I have abandonded good sense and my own values and virtues, twisting myself into knots to accomodate its demands, but I think I know how to work through this.

It isn't the force of beating it to death or denying its existence or even its reason for being. It is in being so fully present in the middle of my own life that I can actually take care of whatever this fear has tried to protect me from. And being honest and authentic, especially insomuch as concerns my heart room to fulfill its natural generous impulses without the artificial barriers this fear has required.

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