Monday, October 16, 2006

Sexual Healing

It is time to reclaim my sexuality. It has been orphaned for far too long, floating around, untethered and unavailable. Such a big chunk of who I am - so much color and light and warmth and creativity - has been circling around me looking for a place to land.

Sexual energy is the creative force - the generative force - behind all things. And whatever possibility lies within has been hidden from me because I have ignored its existence, completely rejecting even the thought of it. Whenever, wherever it has appeared in my life, it has seemed to be a cyclone, immense in proportion, potentially swallowing up everything in some inevitable cataclysmic disaster. Melodramatic perhaps, but truly my sense of it. I have developed amazing finesse at deflecting anything sexual whether in the abstract, the casual or (especially) the deeply personal.

I would like to say that I have spiritualized my own sexuality, but I haven't. I have simply abandoned it, rejecting it and especially rejecting my body in so far as it being a vehicle for sexual attention or expression. And all the stuff that got cut-off, locked-out and ignored in the process has suddenly shown up and is demanding attention.

Very early on I was happy to simply let go of the notion of myself connected with or interested in sex in any way. It wasn't some noble sacrifice - it was just the easier choice. Most folks think of celibacy as a discipline beyond their capacity. For me, it just simplified relationships in the exact way I needed simplicity. And I love that simplicity; I don't know that I'll ever want to abandon its beauty and ease, and all its wonderful gifts. It still offers me a sense of safety and protection that I treasure, and opportunities for meaning in relationship so much richer and deeper than sex can offer.

But I know now that I want all of who I am residing in one place, where I can explore and own every piece of myself. Whatever I do with my sexuality, whatever choices I want to make, cannot be made until I reclaim myself. I can't make choices about what isn't mine. So making choices requires healing, healing requires wholeness, and wholeness requires belonging - of every part of me...what I like and don't, what I admit and won't, what's safe and scary, what I accept and reject. And that seems to be the overriding requirement at the moment...healing.

Sexual healing too, I guess. Ironically. Sexual healing of one who practices celibacy. Now that's some great irony!

1 comment:

shakestheground said...

Have mercy Ms. Thing, I hear ya.

(Whur in the hell am I anyway?)

Now, I ain't trying to be insensitive here, but it reminds me of Thelma and Louise, and she gets it on with Brad Pitt. Friend, it ain't easy getting past them hurdles, but do it, run and jump over it, let go. Have you some good sex and don't take no baggage to it and don't bring none back from it. Keep that as part of another simplicity.

"For what its worth" (somethings.....)

The Frost is on the punkin'