Monday, July 10, 2006


I have these cravings lately - maybe the way pregnant women do. But these aren't cravings for pickles or ice cream. They just come up suddenly and unexpectedly, seemingly out of nowhere. They are for the things I've denied myself for-ever. They are for all the things that I've been certain don't belong in my life.

I can't remember quite why I've adopted this strictness of discipline - the sort of rigorous emotional straight-jacketing I thought was required of me. I can't remember, but it's become very deep habit. And these cravings erupt, reminding me of what's starving inside, needing to be fed. I've been like an anorexic - feeling intense emotional hunger, and taking some sort of perverse satisfaction in competely denying myself all the things I really need. As if there's some enviable strength in this kind of perversity. As if I have accomplished something meaningful in negating the reality demanding acknowledgement.

But need unmet for this long is destructive. And I'm not nourished by my denial. I'm not rewarded or renewed by my renunciation. I've been giving up the wrong things for so long, and it's all gotten so fuzzy as to why. No wonder there's been so little creativity...that kind of vibrancy and juiciness have no place to take hold in a barren landscape.

Maybe these are cravings like pregrant women get...maybe this is what happens when you're giving birth to a new you.

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