Monday, July 10, 2006

Fear of Ordinariness

I think I have a pathological fear of being ordinary. I've always abhored ordinary, average, nice, normal... I've felt horribly insulted to be called nice or sweet, as if the spiciness to which I aspired had been watered down by my wholesome midwestern upbringing.

But the times I've been called nice or sweet are, in fact, very few and far between, most people realizing quickly that I'm neither. And I don't have to hold onto the liferaft of being a particular kind of person to stay outside the limits of "nice." I had a friend of sorts in 7th grade who told a mutual friend our ours that she liked me, but that I was just weird. No chance of being too normal!!

And nothing in my life since has gotten more normal, more nice, more sweet. I don't think there's a chance in hell that I'm going to settle into average anytime soon. And that's just fine. But thinking about this makes me realize that I've tried to institutionalize some who I am - find a place where I fit or belong or can easily label it for convenience. At this point, I belong to myself, I belong to G*d, and I belong to the family of humanity. I don't think I want more limits than that.

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