Thursday, March 8, 2007


They are falling away, like icicles melting in the sun, my sweet little fantasies (and the big ones too), dripping away into oblivion, their form and structure reduced to nothing more than tears, salty water carrying away a lifetime of fear, disappointment and over-burdened expectation.

And it’s really not this big dramatic scene like I thought it would be. But it still means something – a lot actually. Which is nice, ‘cause I want meaning in my life. Just not manufactured meaning.

There is a lot of lightness and easiness and joy that’s been trying to get out from under all the too-serious concern and the entombed fantasies that took me hostage. All this feeling, this emotion, that seemed so complicated, is pretty simple stuff. It’s just energy and it just needs to flow. No complication at all really until it gets all dammed up, and then the pressure builds. And then it IS complicated, ‘cause then I have to act like some engineer, operating complex mechanics that I don’t begin to understand, regulating far too much that should be natural.

It’s going to take a little bit of time ‘till I get graceful with all of this. I think I’ll give it until 1:00 today. Because things that seem like they need a lot of time often don’t, and it helps me a lot to have an actual deadline that I can get organized around. 1:00 worked pretty well last time.

I think the hard work has already been done anyway. This just the re-organizing, re-adjusting part, the straightening up and setting things right part, and a few hours is more than enough time for that.

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