Thursday, March 15, 2007

Not Trying; Being

I’ve tried to be so many things at different times in my life, but no more trying – just being at this point. I only have my own story to tell, and I think it’s time to tell it, time to admit the absolute reality of who I am, how I am. They say G*d loves an honest heart, so He’s gotta love me to pieces.

22 years ago, I found myself in a place of pure safety and spirituality, and was happy to do so. I wanted the protection of rules and regulations, of policies and procedures, for every aspect of my life. I wanted to know how to think and speak and act in accordance with the highest spiritual laws in existence, and how to wed my heart completely with G*d’s. I wanted to know exactly how to become free from sorrow here and now, how to transcend the misery of ordinary human existence, and how to elevate the most mundane to the most sacred.

I wanted to know all of that, and I think I learned it actually. I think I learned exactly that, and I’m quite certain I’m better for it in every way. I am better for the years of discipline, obedience, cleanliness, surrender, celibacy, vegetarianism, meditation, study, spiritual retreat, teaching, etc. I am better for every second that I gave over to G*d and spirituality, better for every moment of purity and powerful understanding that I gained. The accumulation of virtues and qualities have served me well again and again and again.

I cannot begin to find fault with the absolute beauty of this way of being, this way of thinking, this way of becoming. I cannot find fault with my spiritual brothers and sisters who have embarked equally sincerely on a journey to their own betterment, their own perfection. I cannot find fault with all those contemplating this journey or those well along the way because I understand the need, the desire, the impetus that makes this journey an absolute necessity. I could have done nothing else at the time, and have no regrets.

I just know my own journey is now moving in a different direction, one I’m more interested in than anything I can ever remember, and one that feels more real and more right than I had hoped.

I’ve been running away from the truth of myself, certain that my spiritual goals and personal goals were so incompatible that I had to give up on the personal goals. And that lasted for a long time, certain that the spiritual sacrifice of overcoming my own ego, my own desire, was more important that making my dreams come true. I was certain that my spiritual effort was enough to overcome any unhappiness I created for myself, and that G*d would make my dreams come true, even the ones I wouldn't admit I had.

But this isn't what G*d does. What He does is purify energy, restoring it to it's original perfect state. So it doesn't make much sense to hand my fantasies over to Him, hoping that He'll pick up where I left off 'cause I don't have the energy to continue. These are my dreams, and pretty nice ones at that. And they need my energy, my direction, my input. And most of all, they need me to live them.

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