Thursday, March 15, 2007

(My) Conversations with G*d

  • There will be no one before You, G*d. I am giving You my heart and soul completely and only, 100%. I will love only You, and it’s Your love that will move through my life.
  • I’ll only love You. But you don’t mind if I have friends and share that love with them, right? Your love is supposed to be shared, right…? I promise this won’t interfere with anything else I’m supposed to be doing. I think.
  • Ummm…I’m not sure how well this is working for me. I absolutely love You, and want to love only You. I have made this promise for a lifetime, and seem to suck at loving other people, but I don’t know that this is really working for me. I feel a little stuck here. But I’m sure this will work out. I just need to try harder and understand deeper.
  • OK. I totally love You. Just You. Really. Maybe I love my family a little too, and the little kids are pretty great. And I kinda love my friends. And this entire on-line community I’ve immersed myself in (but don’t tell anyone). And I’ve met this guy on-line who I think I’ve known for lifetimes who’s also pretty lovable. And I feel a little more lovable myself with him. But all love comes from You anyway, right? This is just Your love moving through me, so I’m sure all these other relationships are just the stuff of spiritual service to humanity. Like I promised. I think.
  • I keep talking to this guy and am soooooo enjoying his company. Probably way too much, actually. But I won’t love him. Or maybe I will, but just a little bit, so You’ll hardly notice. I mean, we’re supposed to love all of humanity, right? And he’s part of that, so I’m sure this is fine. And we’re just friends, so it won’t interfere with any of the other promises I’ve made. Right? Right? Must be right.
  • I think I might be loving this guy a little bit more than I’m loving a lot of other things about my life right now. I’m certainly loving who/how I am in relationship with him, and that can’t be good. I should probably stop talking with him. Except I don’t want to. Shoot. What do I do with that?
  • OK. I’ve got it all figured out. This’ll be really easy. I’ll just love this one guy. I don’t want to break my promises to You, so I’ll just love this one guy and no one else, and You’ll hardly notice, and then I’ll get right back to taking care of my spiritual life. That should be ok, right? Loving him won’t interfere with anything – I can still be celibate and keep all my yogi disciplines. What an elegant solution. Except ~ I don’t think any of this is working anymore actually.
  • I do love You. Really. That’s true. I just seem to be wanting to love a lot more than You. And while I’ve tried to love just this one guy, it’s a bit of a disaster. Our relationship doesn’t really work very well this way, me deciding he’ll be the one person I can safely love without jeopardizing my spiritual commitments. It’s too much pressure, too much focus, too much intensity and too much expectation. And it’s killing the fun. And it’s making me crazy.
  • I’m not enjoying how this is working out. My elegant solution isn’t a solution to anything other than trying to keep a promise to You that I don’t want to keep. My ‘solution’ is just keeping me fundamentally dishonest with myself about who I am. And it’s making the focus of this journey about this guy and our relationship, which isn’t actually what any of this is about. And I think we’re both starting to hate the way things feel between us, which is a shame since somewhere underneath it all there’s so much love.
  • I don't think this is what You ever were asking of me. I don't think this is the promise You needed me to make. I don't think pretending is a spiritual virtue.
  • OK. I’m putting an end to this craziness I started. I can’t do this anymore. I love You. Always and forever, but not the way I was trying so hard to love You. Just naturally, from my heart, however I do. And I love this guy too, but not only, and not the way I was trying so hard to love him. Just naturally, from my heart, however I do. And most importantly, I love myself here too, and not the way I was trying so hard to do. Just naturally, from my heart, however I do.

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