Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Why I Had to Fall in Love

I had to fall in love. I had to find out what it would feel like, what I would be like, after all this time, in the midst of this emotional sea. I had to find out so many things without there being any real potential for devastating consequences…
  • I had to see if I could open my heart again to something other than G*d
  • I had to know that I could love without making someone pay a terrible price for getting close to me
  • I had to see what had been hidden away that I really wanted to share
  • I had to find out what else I wanted to share along with my heart (open my heart, open my arms, open my mind, open my home…?)
  • I had to know that this was a choice I wanted to make, not simply a compulsion I couldn’t resist
  • I had to find a way to turn to disgust into acceptance into grace
  • I had to leave judgment aside – judging others for the potential harm they might do me and rejecting parts or all of them because of it
  • I had to find out that connection is better than no connection
  • I had to learn that G*d isn’t standing over me with a switch, waiting to punish me for being true to myself
  • I had to accept my own nature without reservation or hesitation
  • I had to remember how much physical touch means to me – how much it soothes my emotional core
  • I had to remember that for all of my spiritual experience, what I love is life and people and it’s where I’m most alive
  • I had to know that everything changes, everything is fluid, and that I am as well. That I don’t need a fixed point of relationship perfection upon which to stop.
  • That I can do this. That I can be part of this world, and that this is where I shine, not in the darkness of some dimly lit meditation room, sending all my energy to a world beyond this one.
  • I had to start enjoying being in this body, accepting that pleasure isn’t just a sinful indulgence that leads to certain downfall.
  • That other people, other human beings, have so much to teach me, so much to share with me, so much of their own beauty, and how to accept the blessing of their love in my life
  • That my life is not in constant conflict with my own values
  • That I can connect with others even before I reach a point of completion within myself and that it’s ok for people to see and know that
  • That I don’t have to wait until I’m fearless to move forward with even just a little bit of courage
  • That it’s not the worst possible thing in the world be emotionally open to someone else; it might be one of the best…
  • That sharing my heart doesn’t require that I give it away wholesale
  • That love – real love – cannot exist where there’s no respect. Self respect and respect for another are the constant companions of the kind of love I value
  • That I have a great appreciation for souls who know their own worth and value and stand firm within it
  • That karma doesn’t override choice
  • To know that I am the holder of the truest part of me and to stop expecting others to reveal it to me
  • That this is where things get really good

No comments: