Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Saying Yes

I can live in someone else's world for a little while, but I always have to come back to myself. Back to the place where things feel right for me. I have been waiting for a long time for someone to step up and make it okay for me to be who I am, but it's not happening. I'm the one who's got to say 'yes' if it's going to happen.

How much better to embrace who I am than to walk around with the constant question mark in my eyes, watching to see if this is finally the person/place/thing that's going to make me being me be ok. Being pulled outside myself so much just to get a reflection back of who I am is crazy-making. And even worse, it doesn't work.

I am surrounded by absolutely wonderful people, and the reflection I get back from each one is slightly different but equally marvelous, and it's still not the answer I'm seeking. I will never believe another person's perception of me more than my own, which is why it's got to come straight from me, and not through the filter of another, no matter how much I crave/enjoy/appreciate what I see.

Cynicism, sarcasm, detachment, indifference, analyzing, intellectualism, judgement and disdain have been great dividers in my life, keeping me from having to admit just how much like the rest of the human family I am. I have kept my distance, believing it to be some talisman with magical powers that would keep me safe from my own or others' weaknesses. But I think it's simply time to give some space in my life - my heart - for others. And without all the rules and restrictions, without all the impositions I've forced on others about who I am and how they must relate to me.

So now it's just a matter of admiting all of this, first to myself...the dreams and hopes and aspirations, and then working on bringing them to life. I don't know how else to live my way into my own potential and truly enjoy seeing others do the same for themselves.

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